"I think emptiness happens when you get to the place that you thought would make you happy and you discover it doesn't." - Pete Briscoe

This time of year I tend to take some time to reflect on what's been going on in my life over the past 12 months, and how that adds on to what's been going on in my life for the past few years. I will never stop being amazed by what God has pulled me through. I will never forget the feeling of emptiness I had as a Senior in high school when I watched a Jenny Craig commercial promising me that if I was just a little bit skinnier I would be filled with joy and self confidence. I weighed less than I ever had, and had dropped 6 pants sizes and still had nothing inside. I was a hopeless, empty pit. God has been so good to me, its taken four years but I'm actually getting around to the point where I am joyful because I am filled with Christ's love, I have confidence in the spirit that fills me, and I am totally happy with knowing that my body is healthy(and not stick skinny). This is new territory for me, I can't believe its taken me 22 years to get here!

On another note, I've been super lazy these past couple months and have not been training for my triathlon...BUT as soon as I'm at SBU I'm goin full force! I'm supper excited! I also got a subscription to Runner's World for Christmas that I can not wait to start reading...maybe a marathon is in my future. That's a BIG maybe, but I'm starting to think it could be fun.

Creation

I think I've discovered that my creative outlet is cooking. I love it, I especially love baking for other people. Its just fun. Sometimes I try painting or writing but it never turns out to be anything that great, its just relaxing and a enjoyable way to worship Jesus so I'll do it from time to time. Cooking though, is a wonderful thing. I used to cook a lot for people in high school (when my parents would pay for everything!) and I always had a blast. One time I made my friend a huge birthday cake that had yellow and pink striped cake. And I made my other friend a 3 layer cake with red, white, and blue layers. And making lasagna at my grandma's house was always a good time. What's better than making something that will bring a smile to someone else's face? We're all made in God's image...we're all made to create... what are you doing???

11:55 Christmas Eve

It's 5 minutes till Christmas. Pretty sure I'm supposed to be thinking about sugar plums or a partridge in a pear tree, but tonight my mind's stuck on prayer. Maybe I just need to give up and stop trying to figure it out. Maybe like Max Lucado says I need to stop "being so concerned about wrapping the gift that I never give it. Better to pray awkwardly than not at all." Maybe I just need to be ok with laying this down as one mystery I won't be able to solve...

Merry Christmas!

"...You'll learn things you never knew you never knew..."

Before these past few months I never knew that I never knew how to tell the difference between a baby crying because he's hurt, hungry or tired. But now I've learned to tell the difference. There are so many little things you can learn by just spending time with a small kid. Like speech, I can listen to an almost 2 year old talk and understand that he wants to give his brother a bottle or watch his favorite movie. Or like body language, I can feed a 9 month old a bottle and know that if he leans forward he wants to get down and play, but if he turns around he wants to lay his head down on my shoulder and go to sleep. I never knew you could know these little things with babies until I experienced it for myself. The only way I got to the point where I could "understand" a couple of babies was by spending at least 8 hours a day alone with them for a couple months. I want my relationship with God to be like that. I want to know him so well that I can understand what his voice is saying to me because I've been listening to Him everyday. I want to be able to recognize how He is moving around me daily and know how to respond to that. I wan to be with Him all day everyday until I get to the point where all I need is the still small voice to guide me.

...He lays His glory by...

Hail the heaven-born Prince of Peace!
Hail the Son of Righteousness!

Light and life to all He brings,

Risen with healing in His wings.

Mild He lays His glory by,

Born that man no more may die.

Born to raise the sons of earth,

Born to give them second birth.

Hark! The herald angels sing,

"Glory to the newborn King!"

One of the things that stuns me the most about Jesus actually coming to earth is everything He gave up. He gave up HEAVEN for us! He gave up perfection for cold wind, annoying brothers, back-stabbing friends, carpentry, and sunburns. He loved us so much that even that huge loss wasn't enough to stop Him from coming.

  I've been thinking about sacrifice a lot lately. God made the first sacrifice of an animal when Adam and Eve screwed up and realized they were naked (He gave them skin clothing, see Gen 3:21).  Jesus sacrificed heaven for our sake.  And God had to sacrifice his only son because we're full of sin.  If God can do all of that for us purely out of love, and never because we come close to deserving it, then surely I can make a few sacrifices too.  

  Going into full-time ministry is a big commitment.  I believe that call on my life is going to require some sacrifices, maybe the sacrifice of living the American dream, or living in a neighborhood that doesn't require bars on my windows, or having 50 pairs of awesome shoes :)  I don't know what they are yet, but I feel like God is saying to me "if we're going to proceed with this I've gotta know you're in no matter what."  When I think about all God has sacrificed for me I want to give the same in return.  

The Matrix, Braveheart, and My Life

For freedom someone has to die

For life there has to be true love

Things are not the way they are supposed to be

Battles have to occur

There will be doubters and encouragers along the way

The best interest of someone else has to be the central goal

Wait, what?

From time to time I have these moments of realization when I just look at my life and say "wait, what???" 3 months ago if someone would have asked me if I had any clue how to take care of a baby I would have said "no way!" But somehow for the last 2 months I've been taking care of 2 babies and they're still doin ok I think. As I was realizing this the Holy Spirit started whispering to me...This is what God wants to do with you...When I volunteered to be a nanny I didn't stop and think about my abilities or what I could be missing out on, I just saw a need and asked if I could meet it. God came in and used me, he taught me patience and made me into the person these boys needed. When I think about ministry I still get scared and listen to all the doubts in my mind, but all God wants is for me to see a need and go meet it. When I don't question, or doubt or focus on myself He is able to move. I'm praying that all the transitions in my future will be as easy as college student to nanny was...I kinda doubt thats possible, I know I'll get in the way. But it would be pretty sweet.

Advent

I love Advent season. Its really no different than any other time of year, its just four weeks to think about the love that crazy God of ours sent down to us through a little baby boy, and how much I need it. Today has been a wonderful day. Its snowing, I had a great bowl of soup with the cutest little peanut butter and jelly covered boy while watching P.S. I Love You, and now there's stillness, and David Crowder.

Lately I've heard a lot about the busyness of the season, and I'm not too sad that I'm missing out on it this year. I can think of six gatherings that'd I'd be a part of had I not dropped out of school, getting out of that Christmas ruitine is nice.

No Mo' Crap

Who in the world ever created communion wafers? Using those nasty, supposedly edible, styrofoam circles needs to be banned from churches everywhere. We shouldn't be satisfied with crap at church, and eating styrofoam is crap. Bread is delicious and in accordance with Psalm 34:8 -taste and see that the Lord is good- everyone should start using it for communion :)
And another thing, when did we stop building awesome archetectural masterpieces with beautiful windows for our churches? Now its how big can we make this building for the cheapest amount of money, and how many purposes can we use this one room for? I hear people talking about being the Acts 2 church, but what about the temple 1 kings 7, they paid so much attention to detail they knew each pillar had 200 pomegranates on it. We shouldn't be satisfied with crap at church, and I think making the cheapest building possible is crap.

Reloaded

I realize my blog has been turning into Crystal's Wall of Quotes so I will refrain from writing the entire Matrix Reloaded script in this entry. Nine hours after I finished the movie I am still kind of in shock, its one of those "did that really just happen?" kind of feelings. It might be the best movie I have ever seen. Actually I think I should say Matrix Reloaded is the best movie I have ever encountered. Its amazing how it sucked me in and made me scream, get pumped up, smile and cry all in 2h 18min. I could write for hours about how when the One was being attacked by a growing number of evil guys he didn't get tired or worn out but his strength grew, or how when the council needed volunteers to go take a risk Nairobi stopped worrying about what others would think and went to seek out the One, but I'll stop here for today and just say watch the movie! I thought the slow motion fighting and running up walls was going to make the movie really cheezy, but when I realized that its actually the characters realizing they are not held down by the "rules" of this world it wasn't cheezy, it was way cool.

The Matrix Reloaded the first R-rated movie to got me to understand how "the same God can speak to me through R-rated films... while calling me to flee from sexual immorality" (see entry "Pop Goes the Church" Sept 23)

iamsecond.com

Go there.

Best Quotes of the Day

The story of your life is the story of the long and brutal assault on your heart by the one who knows what you could be and fears it. - John Eldredge

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. - King Solomon (Prov 4:23)

Books

"Truth doesn't need a verse attatched to it to be true." -John Eldredge
We love the heroes of our favorite stories only because they are making the characteristics of Jesus come alive to us. God is reaching out to us...the deepest part of our hearts has got to be engaged and listening!

I'm so glad to be reading Christian lit again! I've already been challenged just in these last 2 days! Waking the Dead by John Eldredge is really good so far, I forgot how much I enjoy his writing style. And, reading Watch for the Light by the light of the Christmas tree every night has been awesome. It's a compilation of a bunch of Christian stud's sermons and compostitions for the Advent season. It's studs like them, who seem to be way more intelligent than me, that help me in times of doubt. I've never been "the smart one" but if these guys who know so much still believe in Jesus, then surely there is something real going on here. I don't know what my deal is, but ever since I was a little kid satan has thrown these "what if it's all just a story" thoughts into my head. I've learned to not dwell on them because I know The Bible is 100% inspired by God and absolutely true, but having knowledge of my other religious options has opened the door a bit wider for satan...So, I'm thankful for the studs who have gone before me.