Ecc 1:18

Why is it that I never wanted to run from ministry positions until my 5th year of college? Its been 4 full years of ministry all over the world and I loved it. Maybe it has something to do with Ecclesiastes 1:18 "The greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. To increase knowledge only increases sorrow." That verse rings true when it comes to looking at/listening to anything about Haiti. After living in inner city Jamaica for a summer my eyes were opened to the ways of life on 3rd world islands, and when I see those faces its just like it was a brother or sister from my Jamaican church and I know I have an increased sorrow that others won't because of my unique knowledge.

Let the River Flow

But I want to be one today, centered and true. I'm singing spirit take me up in arms with you. -Switchfoot

I was throwing a little tantrum tonight during worship and I pretty much said "God, I'm not doing it!" I've been through too many messed up churches and ministry situations to see going into youth ministry as something fun and exciting. It'd be so much easier to go to a 9-5 job, punch data into a glowing screen for 8 hours and then go home. But then Pastor Michael said something that was just the right punch in the stomach that I needed, "Some of you are resisting God, he's been pulling and pulling and you're resisting him, and I don't even know why you're here. That last part it was got me. He was right. If I was going to say NO to GOD then why the heck was I at church putting on some worship show? He was also right about the fact that God's been pulling me. I can specifically name a way that he's pulled every year since I first read Isaiah 6:8 in 7th grade. The sermon ended tonight with Eph 2:17 "And he came and preached peace to you..." And I knew the only way I was ever going to have peace was to give in to the pulling, stop resisting what's best for me, and just let the flow of the spirit lead. Trying to stand still in the middle of a flowing river is hard and pointless, wherever the river leads I will go.

Oh happiness, there's grace enough for us and the whole human race...-DCB

20 years.

There is an old story of an ambitious young person approaching a master and saying, "I want to be your student, your best student. How long must I study?"

"Ten years."

"But ten years is too long. What if I study twice as hard as all your other students?"

"Then it will take twenty years."

There is a river of life all around. But you can't push it. Try softer. - Ortberg

Try Softer

1. The harder you work to control things, the more you lose control.

2. Sometimes "try harder" helps. It can help me to clean my room, or run another lap. But for deeper change, I need a greater power than simply "try harder" can provide.

3. Often the people in the gospels who got into the most trouble with Jesus were the ones who thought they were working hardest on the spiritual life.

4. If trying harder is producing growth in your spiritual life, keep it up. But if its not, here is an alternative: Try softer. Try better. Try different.

5. A river of living water is now available, but the river is the Spirit. It is NOT you.

- John Ortberg

"Faith does not need to push the river because faith is able to trust that there is a river. The river is flowing. We are in it." - Richard Rohr

Don't push the river.

Try softer means focusing more on God's goodness than our efforts. When I try softer, I am less defensive, more open to feedback. I learn better. I stay patient if things don't turn out the way I expected. It means less self-congratulation when I do well and less self-flagellation when I fall down. It means asking God for help.

There is a river of life all around. But you can't push it.

Try Softer.

-John Ortberg

There is so much relief to be found in the acceptance and understanding that the spirit moves in our lives as a river. All I've got to do is follow the flow the spirit is pulling me in, and it is constantly pulling. I can try to push the river forward or to one side or the other but that would be a waste of time and energy. I'm going to learn to try softer.

Take My World Apart

There are a few things that will always have special meaning to me because of their presence when my "religion" was first becoming alive to me. The first is definitely Jars of Clay's first cd "Jars of Clay." Its sooo good. Here's some great lyrics from their song "Worlds Apart"

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hourthe battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
dull the nails that still remains
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

Hope Now

Story

"We all want to be loved for who we are, we all want to become who we're not." - John Ortberg

God's not asking us to become anyone else, he just wants us to be the best, most flourishing versions of ourselves possible.

"You know, a story is based on what people think is important, so when we live a story, we are telling the people around us what we think is important." - Donald Miller

There is a lot of rambling in Donald Miller books, but every now and then there is something really good. Its been good to reflect on my life and figure out what my actions are telling others about what is important to me. I will say teen discipleship, taking care of the earth, and spreading God's story are important to me, but do my actions ever show that?

What's Inside My Head

I love it when God brings together lessons from different areas of life to teach me one thing. These past few days God's used my morning devos, my "just for fun" books, and tonights sermon to teach me about who I am right now and where I'm going. Here's a glimpse of what I've been hearing lately:

"Once God has begun the process of sanctification in your life, watch and see how God causes your confidence in your own natural virtues and power to wither away. He will continue until you learn to draw your life from the reservoir of the ressurection life of Jesus. Thank God if you are going through this drying up experience." - Oswald Chambers
These words were the exact explanation I needed to hear about what I've been feeling lately. When I got my perspective switched around I realized that this emptiness and inability I've been feeling was really a good thing. It's a sign that God's working on me, drying up all of "me" so I can start filling up on the real life from Jesus.

"When we are at our wits' end for an answer, then the Holy Spirit can give us an answer. But how can He give us an answer when we are still well supplied with all sorts of answers of our own?" - Karl Barth
This quote really hit me hard. I've totaly been acting this way, asking for answers and then turning around to go search for my own. If I believe the Spirit really will give me answers then I need to learn to be still and wait after I ask. I'm not showing confidence in God when I say I trust that he is going to answer me but then I have my "just incase he never answers" list ready to go over on the side.

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them." Ephesians 2:10
God cares enough about me to spend time forming me as his art work. He goes before me and has given me a purpose and the abiblity to accomplish it .

I'm learning that this life is more about becoming the person I was made to be than it is about what I do for an occupation. I'm reading The Me I Want to Be by John Ortberg and A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller and they, combined with these other "lessons," are helping me understand the importance of just focusing on God and letting him have total authorship of my story. This time I have on Earth is limited, I've got to keep discarding my self and keep filling up with the Spirit so that I will be a utensil God can use to spread his love to a thirsty world. Its not about me getting filled up for my benefit, its about others being loved, served and blessed by an encounter with God that just might happen through me.
We sang a song at church tonight that said "the temple is filled with your Glory" and it really hit me what a huge statement that is. If I'm giving my body to God to his temple then I'd better be living a life worthy of God's glory and I'd better not be doing anything that would hide his glory from others.
Tonight I still feel empty, but for some reason I am content. I know that when God is finished ripping out and drying up the inside he will fill me again, let his glory shine, and send me out to walk in the good works he has prepared for me to do.