More About How

After 23 years in the Church I'm finally learning what it means to be free. Tonight I read Ephesians 4:1 "I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling..." and the first thing that started popping into my head was lists of rules and finding more things I should add to the "must do" or "must not do" list. I was instantly weighed down from the thought.

But then, I continued to read and verses 2 and 3 explains the way we lead a life worthy of God's calling. Its all about attitude: "Be humble and gentle, patient with each other, making allowances for each other's faults because of your love...and bind yourselves together with peace." Could it be that being a Christian is more about how we act than what are actions are?

Continuing on in the chapter, verse 22 tells us to "throw off your old evil nature and your former way of life..." Its saying get rid of the way you were doing things. Verse 23 then says "Instead [of acting in your old evil way], there must be spiritual renewal of your thoughts and attitudes." Get rid of the old way you did things, and let there be renewal of the way you think about things and your attitudes towards life's situations. It's not so much what you're doing, but how you're doing it.

This is incredibly freeing to me. I don't have to worry about if something is a sin or not if I can look at it and say that my nature and my attitude are reflecting God's likeness- righteous, holy and true (verse 24) while I am doing it. Take music for example: I used to own one cd not produced by a "christian" label, it was Dixie Chicks, and I felt pretty rebellious when I listened to it. But recently I've been listening to Bouncing Souls, a band that would definitely not be labeled "christian" and because my nature and attitudes have been changed I listen to these songs and instead of them making me long for earthly pleasures or feel unsatisfied they are actually fueling the fire in me to reach out to more people and share God's love with them. It's all about our nature, and becoming that new person God has set us free to be.

Complicated

I try to make things so complicated.

"But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, And don't take yourself too seriously—take God seriously." (Micah 6:8 The Message)

Or as other translations put it: do justly, love mercy, walk humbly. Really thats it. Why do I try to conform to so many rules? Why do I live in fear of failure? "Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you." (Galatians 5:1)

I built this cloud I can break it
The world can’t change how I feel
Because I know it’s a lie
My heart is real (Bouncing Souls - Gone)

Leaving Jesusland- NOFX

I don't really know what to say...this song is completely honest and mostly true. It is a clear explanation of why I'm choosing to live the way I do. I hate it that the one thing I was created to live for has obtained such a craptastic stereotype over the years. For too long we have been living like "we want life canned and bland in the fatherland." We(the church, the bible-belt, whatever) should be the place where everyone knows they are welcome and genuinely loved, not the place they feel they have to run from. What if we actually started living like Jesus did? Partyin, hanging with the outcasts, not giving a single thought about what anyone else thought. Let's change "'Cause all religion ever made of me was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet... It never set me free." -Jason Gray

Only Hope - Switchfoot

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write
over and over again
I'm awake and in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and
over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope

Sing to me of the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have
for me over again

I give You my apathy
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

Create

Sometimes its 12:28 am and I wish I could sleep but I've had a good day of artistic inspiration and I just want to create. The problem comes with the fact that I really have no artistic ability, just enough to make me understand everything I'm missing. I have these ideas and pictures in my head but don't know how to make them come alive. Its nights like these I wish I hadn't quite cello after 5 years, I could be freaking awesome by now. I was made in the image of a creator, the need to create is just in me.

Admiring paintings, drawings, tattoos, songs, collages, photos etc. gives me energy. It inspires me to be something better, to live as the best version of myself, to offer the best of what I have to God. It drives me crazy that I can't create what I love very well at all, but sometimes I still do it just for fun, even though it comes out looking like a 5 year old tried to paint something :)

Superchick- Me against the world

There's just something about doing what I want to do and not caring about what anybody else thinks that feels really good.

"They said don't try to change the world, your just a girl...

So its me against the world today, I'm gonna do it my own way

and though nobody understand, I'm gonna make a one girl stand

It's my independence day, I can't waste time on what they say

if we believe and we have faith we're gonna change the world someday"

Dear God

Dear God,

It makes me really mad that we have screwed up this whole Christianity thing so much. I'm sorry for the huge number of us who have lived double lives and tried to compartmentalize Christianity and life in the "real world" into two separate gigs. I'm sorry that we have taken The Bible and gotten distracted by fighting over tiny details rather than letting it transform our lives. I'm sorry for all of us who act like jerks and judge the world with a "holier than thou" attitude when we are not better off than anyone else. I'm sorry that we've gotten in your way, you want to bring hurting, searching souls to life, and by our stupidity and impatience we've ruined it for you so many times. God, just because we know you it doesn't mean that we are no longer human and tend to fall short of what's good. We need you to make it better. Come, open up our eyes, reconnect us with the world we live in. Show us how to get out of our "country club churches" and know each and every person the way that you do, no matter what they've done, or what they do, kick the pride out of us and make us reflections of your unconditional love for them to see. We've failed you, restore the church. Teach us how to make it right. We are nothing without you.

Amen.

Just Chill

I read in a book that sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is take a nap. That has kind of been my motto this weekend and its been totally awesome. Sometimes you just get drained and caught up in "life" and you just need to chill so that you can have a mind, body, and spirit that is an offering of worth to God. This weekend I got a tattoo, went to some good Church, ate some good food, and read 500 pages of Harry Potter. I feel great right now. Much more at peace with God than I have in quite a few weeks, and all I did was just chill.

p.s. Go see Elmo at Dark Lotus and get a sweet tattoo! I'm addicted, I knew I would be.

Stellar Kart- Automatic

...But like I breathe

And my heart beats...

I wanna love you like it's automatic

Make you into my good habit

You're the only one that really matters

Every minute everyday it's automatically ok

When I make it all about you

All This Time

I just realized it tonight, all this time its been about relationships. God created us for relationship with himself. Because God IS love he created us to have a target for his very being to be poured out upon. God created us for relationship with others. Love does not exist as a feeling, it is something that must be acted out, if we have no relationships with others we have no way to love. We can not love God without loving others, we show our love to him through obedience and he has commanded us to love our neighbors (Matt 22:39). When I thought God was teaching me to stand on my own two feet, to be fine on my own , to protect my heart and reject those who hurt me, he was really reaching out to me through relationships that I will never forget. He was trying to show me what this life is really about. In our day, "in my generation," I feel like there are a lot of people who are very open and will hear whatever opinion you have to throw out there. But its not until you have spent the time to form a relationship with them, and they see your actions of love that they will really listen to what you are saying. All this time I thought I'd be fine, just me and God for the rest of my life, and all this time he's been trying to show me RELATIONSHIPS, healthy, God glorifying relationships. I don't know where I'd be today if it wasn't for the college girls that intentionally formed a relationship with me as a Jr. High kid, or the camp counselor I had 5 summers in a row, or my friends who took me in on the weekends, or my youth pastor who finally showed me what a relationship with Jesus is all about. Its been the relationships all along that have pulled me through and that God has spoken to me through. My 2 best years of college were the ones spent leading small groups and being part of a ministry team, how could I have ever thought that I could be the best version of myself without relationships?

Swimmers take your mark

When I swim I come up with a ton of life/swimming analogies. The one that popped in to my head today as I was studying for a test outside the pool at school was this:

Right now I'm living in that intense moment on the starting block. The moment between "swimmers take your mark" and the "BEEP" of the horn. I'm ready for something more, but God just won't say "GO!" yet.

The Discipline of Dismay

"But when the darkness of dismay comes, endure until it is over, because out of it will come the ability to follow Jesus truly, which brings inexpressibly wonderful joy." -Oswald Chambers

Life

I need something bigger to live for.

And the Journey Continues

Maybe its just because I'm a girl, or maybe its due to being human, but I struggle with my thought life. I am actually quite annoyed by the phrase "struggle with," I guess what I'm really trying to say is: several times a day Satan tempts me to think about events (past or future) that cause me to be anxious or angry and more often than not I fail to "take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ"(2 Cor 10:5). I am not OK with this.

Needtobreathe's song "Something Beautiful" says, "In a day dream I couldn't live like this, I wouldn't stop until I've found something beautiful." That is totally true for me right now. In a day dream I would forget the past, I would press on toward the future with complete faith and confidence, and I would keep pressing on until I was drowning in the love and power of God. This NEEDS to become reality.

I am saddened by the lack of fruit in my life. Over the past few months I have sufficiently cut myself off from the flow of the spirit. I look at myself and see raisins where there should be juicy grapes of joy, prunes where there should be sweet plums of faithfulness, and the oranges of peace were all killed in the ice storm months ago. I am missing out on the abundant life Jesus offers.

As I tried to teach a 3 year old to peddle his bike today I saw a picture of myself. I wanted to push him so he could enjoy the ride but he kept pushing backwards of the peddles making the back tire unable to spin. He was pushing against me and therefore missing out on some fun and a chance to learn something new. God wants to lead me along on an adventure, he wants me to learn and experience better things, but when I focus on myself and what I can (or can not) see its like I'm putting on the brakes and fighting against him. I've got to let him push me along on the right path and trust that he will teach me how to peddle successfully.

For years I have prayed for God to let me live an adventurous life. The "American Dream" bores me. That point where you start being "what you're going to be when you grow up" has arrived for me, and I have NO CLUE what I'm going to be. But I do know that tonight God threw out the invitation: "This is where the adventure begins are you in?" Five years ago God called me to be a missionary, sometimes I think he is narrowing down my "mission field" to American teens, sometimes I feel clueless.

God has all the answers. "Beautiful are the words spoken to me, beautiful is the one who is speaking. Come in close, come in close and speak, come in close, come closer to me..."(Closer by Charlie Hall)

Just thinking today...

Life isn't meant to be figured out. - I'm trying to convince myself of this, and make my actions show it.

There is a reason the Bible teaches us to forget the past and press on.

Forgiveness- has to be dealt with immediately

Every thought has to be taken captive.

Note To Self

Matthew 6:25-34

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? ²⁸"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Philippians 4:6-9

⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Jeremiah 33:3

Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.

Psalm 139:13-17

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

¹⁶ your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

Habakkuk 2:3

For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
it speaks of the end
and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
it will certainly come and will not delay.