"I think emptiness happens when you get to the place that you thought would make you happy and you discover it doesn't." - Pete Briscoe

This time of year I tend to take some time to reflect on what's been going on in my life over the past 12 months, and how that adds on to what's been going on in my life for the past few years. I will never stop being amazed by what God has pulled me through. I will never forget the feeling of emptiness I had as a Senior in high school when I watched a Jenny Craig commercial promising me that if I was just a little bit skinnier I would be filled with joy and self confidence. I weighed less than I ever had, and had dropped 6 pants sizes and still had nothing inside. I was a hopeless, empty pit. God has been so good to me, its taken four years but I'm actually getting around to the point where I am joyful because I am filled with Christ's love, I have confidence in the spirit that fills me, and I am totally happy with knowing that my body is healthy(and not stick skinny). This is new territory for me, I can't believe its taken me 22 years to get here!

On another note, I've been super lazy these past couple months and have not been training for my triathlon...BUT as soon as I'm at SBU I'm goin full force! I'm supper excited! I also got a subscription to Runner's World for Christmas that I can not wait to start reading...maybe a marathon is in my future. That's a BIG maybe, but I'm starting to think it could be fun.

Creation

I think I've discovered that my creative outlet is cooking. I love it, I especially love baking for other people. Its just fun. Sometimes I try painting or writing but it never turns out to be anything that great, its just relaxing and a enjoyable way to worship Jesus so I'll do it from time to time. Cooking though, is a wonderful thing. I used to cook a lot for people in high school (when my parents would pay for everything!) and I always had a blast. One time I made my friend a huge birthday cake that had yellow and pink striped cake. And I made my other friend a 3 layer cake with red, white, and blue layers. And making lasagna at my grandma's house was always a good time. What's better than making something that will bring a smile to someone else's face? We're all made in God's image...we're all made to create... what are you doing???

11:55 Christmas Eve

It's 5 minutes till Christmas. Pretty sure I'm supposed to be thinking about sugar plums or a partridge in a pear tree, but tonight my mind's stuck on prayer. Maybe I just need to give up and stop trying to figure it out. Maybe like Max Lucado says I need to stop "being so concerned about wrapping the gift that I never give it. Better to pray awkwardly than not at all." Maybe I just need to be ok with laying this down as one mystery I won't be able to solve...

Merry Christmas!

"...You'll learn things you never knew you never knew..."

Before these past few months I never knew that I never knew how to tell the difference between a baby crying because he's hurt, hungry or tired. But now I've learned to tell the difference. There are so many little things you can learn by just spending time with a small kid. Like speech, I can listen to an almost 2 year old talk and understand that he wants to give his brother a bottle or watch his favorite movie. Or like body language, I can feed a 9 month old a bottle and know that if he leans forward he wants to get down and play, but if he turns around he wants to lay his head down on my shoulder and go to sleep. I never knew you could know these little things with babies until I experienced it for myself. The only way I got to the point where I could "understand" a couple of babies was by spending at least 8 hours a day alone with them for a couple months. I want my relationship with God to be like that. I want to know him so well that I can understand what his voice is saying to me because I've been listening to Him everyday. I want to be able to recognize how He is moving around me daily and know how to respond to that. I wan to be with Him all day everyday until I get to the point where all I need is the still small voice to guide me.

...He lays His glory by...

Hail the heaven-born Prince of Peace!
Hail the Son of Righteousness!

Light and life to all He brings,

Risen with healing in His wings.

Mild He lays His glory by,

Born that man no more may die.

Born to raise the sons of earth,

Born to give them second birth.

Hark! The herald angels sing,

"Glory to the newborn King!"

One of the things that stuns me the most about Jesus actually coming to earth is everything He gave up. He gave up HEAVEN for us! He gave up perfection for cold wind, annoying brothers, back-stabbing friends, carpentry, and sunburns. He loved us so much that even that huge loss wasn't enough to stop Him from coming.

  I've been thinking about sacrifice a lot lately. God made the first sacrifice of an animal when Adam and Eve screwed up and realized they were naked (He gave them skin clothing, see Gen 3:21).  Jesus sacrificed heaven for our sake.  And God had to sacrifice his only son because we're full of sin.  If God can do all of that for us purely out of love, and never because we come close to deserving it, then surely I can make a few sacrifices too.  

  Going into full-time ministry is a big commitment.  I believe that call on my life is going to require some sacrifices, maybe the sacrifice of living the American dream, or living in a neighborhood that doesn't require bars on my windows, or having 50 pairs of awesome shoes :)  I don't know what they are yet, but I feel like God is saying to me "if we're going to proceed with this I've gotta know you're in no matter what."  When I think about all God has sacrificed for me I want to give the same in return.  

The Matrix, Braveheart, and My Life

For freedom someone has to die

For life there has to be true love

Things are not the way they are supposed to be

Battles have to occur

There will be doubters and encouragers along the way

The best interest of someone else has to be the central goal

Wait, what?

From time to time I have these moments of realization when I just look at my life and say "wait, what???" 3 months ago if someone would have asked me if I had any clue how to take care of a baby I would have said "no way!" But somehow for the last 2 months I've been taking care of 2 babies and they're still doin ok I think. As I was realizing this the Holy Spirit started whispering to me...This is what God wants to do with you...When I volunteered to be a nanny I didn't stop and think about my abilities or what I could be missing out on, I just saw a need and asked if I could meet it. God came in and used me, he taught me patience and made me into the person these boys needed. When I think about ministry I still get scared and listen to all the doubts in my mind, but all God wants is for me to see a need and go meet it. When I don't question, or doubt or focus on myself He is able to move. I'm praying that all the transitions in my future will be as easy as college student to nanny was...I kinda doubt thats possible, I know I'll get in the way. But it would be pretty sweet.

Advent

I love Advent season. Its really no different than any other time of year, its just four weeks to think about the love that crazy God of ours sent down to us through a little baby boy, and how much I need it. Today has been a wonderful day. Its snowing, I had a great bowl of soup with the cutest little peanut butter and jelly covered boy while watching P.S. I Love You, and now there's stillness, and David Crowder.

Lately I've heard a lot about the busyness of the season, and I'm not too sad that I'm missing out on it this year. I can think of six gatherings that'd I'd be a part of had I not dropped out of school, getting out of that Christmas ruitine is nice.

No Mo' Crap

Who in the world ever created communion wafers? Using those nasty, supposedly edible, styrofoam circles needs to be banned from churches everywhere. We shouldn't be satisfied with crap at church, and eating styrofoam is crap. Bread is delicious and in accordance with Psalm 34:8 -taste and see that the Lord is good- everyone should start using it for communion :)
And another thing, when did we stop building awesome archetectural masterpieces with beautiful windows for our churches? Now its how big can we make this building for the cheapest amount of money, and how many purposes can we use this one room for? I hear people talking about being the Acts 2 church, but what about the temple 1 kings 7, they paid so much attention to detail they knew each pillar had 200 pomegranates on it. We shouldn't be satisfied with crap at church, and I think making the cheapest building possible is crap.

Reloaded

I realize my blog has been turning into Crystal's Wall of Quotes so I will refrain from writing the entire Matrix Reloaded script in this entry. Nine hours after I finished the movie I am still kind of in shock, its one of those "did that really just happen?" kind of feelings. It might be the best movie I have ever seen. Actually I think I should say Matrix Reloaded is the best movie I have ever encountered. Its amazing how it sucked me in and made me scream, get pumped up, smile and cry all in 2h 18min. I could write for hours about how when the One was being attacked by a growing number of evil guys he didn't get tired or worn out but his strength grew, or how when the council needed volunteers to go take a risk Nairobi stopped worrying about what others would think and went to seek out the One, but I'll stop here for today and just say watch the movie! I thought the slow motion fighting and running up walls was going to make the movie really cheezy, but when I realized that its actually the characters realizing they are not held down by the "rules" of this world it wasn't cheezy, it was way cool.

The Matrix Reloaded the first R-rated movie to got me to understand how "the same God can speak to me through R-rated films... while calling me to flee from sexual immorality" (see entry "Pop Goes the Church" Sept 23)

iamsecond.com

Go there.

Best Quotes of the Day

The story of your life is the story of the long and brutal assault on your heart by the one who knows what you could be and fears it. - John Eldredge

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. - King Solomon (Prov 4:23)

Books

"Truth doesn't need a verse attatched to it to be true." -John Eldredge
We love the heroes of our favorite stories only because they are making the characteristics of Jesus come alive to us. God is reaching out to us...the deepest part of our hearts has got to be engaged and listening!

I'm so glad to be reading Christian lit again! I've already been challenged just in these last 2 days! Waking the Dead by John Eldredge is really good so far, I forgot how much I enjoy his writing style. And, reading Watch for the Light by the light of the Christmas tree every night has been awesome. It's a compilation of a bunch of Christian stud's sermons and compostitions for the Advent season. It's studs like them, who seem to be way more intelligent than me, that help me in times of doubt. I've never been "the smart one" but if these guys who know so much still believe in Jesus, then surely there is something real going on here. I don't know what my deal is, but ever since I was a little kid satan has thrown these "what if it's all just a story" thoughts into my head. I've learned to not dwell on them because I know The Bible is 100% inspired by God and absolutely true, but having knowledge of my other religious options has opened the door a bit wider for satan...So, I'm thankful for the studs who have gone before me.

A church for me please

I am excited to go back to school for one reason...I will be able to find a good church and go there for at least 4 months straight. I haven't been plugged into a good church since I got back to the U.S. in August. I've been moving, and searching, and visiting, and through all of it I have really started to get the importance of "not forsaking the assembly of ourselves together" (Heb 10:25). I know that my relationship with Jesus is not dependant upon anyone else that will show up at a church building on the same Sunday I do, but there is just something different, challenging, and exhillarting about gathering with my brothers and sisters and worshiping God together. So at a time when I guess the books say I'm supposed to be tired of the church and runnign away from it, I'm longing for a good church home!

I used to have a very negative view of the church in the U.S. but now that I have actually fully given myself to God and said "Here I am send me...even if that means send me to Illinois and not Africa..." God has begun to help me see some churches that really do have it, and has given me hope. One really cool story from this weekend: There was a man attending a church in St Louis, MO praying about starting a church Kansas City. A dying church in KC calls up the church in St Louis and says we have a building and a few members we would like to give to you. So, the man moves to KC, and is leading a growing church that is reaching out to its surrounding community. God is still doing crazy cool things in the U.S.

From the website of Matthew West

"It’s true. You do have something to say. Your life, every second, every hour, every day, is speaking. Your actions speak. Your words speak. Your decisions speak. Your mistakes speak. Your brokenness speaks. Are you picking up on the point here? Your life here on this earth is more than just mere coincidence. It matters. It speaks. You matter. You have something to say.But here’s the thing, the world will go out of its way to make us feel insignificant, like our lives, and our voices don’t matter. Past mistakes make us feel disqualified, present circumstances and problems leave us discouraged. An uncertain future leaves us feeling disabled. The world does its best to quiet the voice of our lives, so that we will keep quiet and the world won’t hear what we have to say...God loves you. He has something to say to you, and through you. "

Top 4

My top four things I'm thankful for this season:
#1 Friends and cousins that I'm so close to everytime I see them it's like we were never apart, we just pick up where we left off...even if it's been since March!

#2 The change I can see in my bro's relationship with his wife (way less fighting!), and the change in my Mom's attitude toward me (she actually apologized for some rude stuff)! God has gotten my family into some great churches and He is at work!

#3The Aviles fam who are all great enough to just let me be me, to chill at their house and to take care of their babies.

#4 Of course I couldn't leave out how amazingly thankful I am for how God is working in me; awakening my longing for more of him and letting me fall more and more in love with Jesus everyday.

Life

"If we're really honest with ourselves most of the time our plans don't work out as we hoped. So, instead of asking our young people, 'what are your plans, what do you plan to do with your life?' Maybe we should tell them this: 'Plan to be suprised!'" -Dan Burns, Dan In Real Life

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

"Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man." Ecclesiastes 12:13

I love/hate Conferences

I've decided that I can't go to any more conferences until I graduate college. They just make me so frustrated. I think I have a love/hate relationship with them. For instance this past weekend I got to go to the National Missionary Convention, I LOVED getting to walk through hundreds of booths and talk with missionaries working all over the world. I was overwhelmed by the realization that God is alive and moving and I could walk up to any of the missionaries and hear stories of what God is up to. And the morning and evening worship sessions were amazing. Its just so easy to get lost in the music and moment of worship when I'm surrounded by thousands of people. The workshops durring the day were awesome too. I got to learn about how to start from the very beginning and create a missions plan for a church. And I got to learn about ways to get the church involved in tackling AIDS, sex trafficing and poverty. I also had a really good reminder about the importance of fasting and journaling at a workshop about growing your passion for God. But then the conference is over, I'm pumped up, full of ideas and wanting to make a difference and all I get to do is go back and sit in a classroom for 3 more semesters. One of the speakers said, "You will be much more efficient if you sharpen your ax before you start chopping wood." I guess that's my period of life right now, but I'm soooo ready to start chopping some trees.

I really wonder what God is up to. I got offered a possition working in Krokow, Poland leading a youth ministry, and a book club, and running a coffee shop. It'd be pretty sweet, but God didn't say go... This past weekend was a good time of God reminding me that he knows the plans he has for me and I've just got to trust that. I'll know what they are when I need to. I'm starting to think whats next might have something to do with inner-city ministry. I'll guess we'll just have to wait and see.

CCH

After being away from my friends in Springfield for a month and half I got to spend 3 days with them at a Missions Convention. God really opened my eyes to see how much I had been taking them for granted. It always blows my mind to see the kind of relationships that can form between people that have the bond of the Holy Spirit. Christian Campus House turned out to be my home of brothers who will drive ya crazy at times, but will always treat you well and make you laugh, and sisters you can always count on for a prayer or some good late night chats. So to AJ, Alex, Weston, TJ, Tyger, Eric, Chuck, Nate, Matty, Brad, Blake, Shane, Lindsey, Risa, Lauren, Molly, Beth, Emily, Kate, Sarah, Lynn, Jess, Melynn, Katie, Lisa, Megan, Courtney and the rest of my CCH fam... I LOVE YOU!

December's Coming

I am very thankful November is almost over! My month without reading christian books has proven to be beneficial to my relationship with Jesus, but I'm ready to be challenged again by some great authors. My time with Tolkien and Dickens didn't last long, I probably read 100 pages total and then just got bored. If I'm just going to spend time being entertained I'd rather just watch some tv or a movie.

Soundtrack

Psalm 119:54

"Your principles have been the music of my life..."

I LOVE music. I love getting lost in the music of a grand symphony trying to pick out all the seperate sections or just listen to one intrument. I love running to some good ol' 90's ska, or skateboarding to some hard rock. And I LOVE being in huge groups of people all singing the same songs to worship God together. In a movie soundtrack there are perfect songs for certain scenes, they just go together. Just like a movie my life seems to have a soundtrack too. As I was reading through Psalm 119 yesterday, verse 54 really stuck out at me. The author was saying that God's principles and his life "just go" together, its the perfect fit. I really want God's word to be that intertwined with my life, I want it to "just go." If God's principles would bring me to life like music does things would be amazing.

The Hills Are Alive

One of my favorite musicals has always been The Sound of Music.  And this weekend I got to see it live for the second time.  The best scene of the whole masterpiece is when Maria (the postulant aka "nun in training") has realized that she is in love with the man she is supposed to be working for and she runs back to the Abbey...it goes a little something like this:  

Maria: I left...I was frightened...I was confused, I felt, I've never felt that way before. I couldn't stay. I knew that here I'd be away from it. I'd be safe...I can't face him again...Oh, there were times when we would look at each other. Oh Mother, I could hardly breathe...That's what's been torturing me. I was there on God's errand. To have asked for his love would have been wrong. I couldn't stay, I just couldn't. I'm ready at this moment to take my vows. Please help me.

Reverend Mother: Maria, the love of a man and a woman is holy too. You have a great capacity to love. What you must find out is how God wants you to spend your love.

Maria: But I pledged my life to God. I pledged my life to his service.

Reverend Mother: My daughter, if you love this man, it doesn't mean you love God less. No, you must find out and you must go back.

Maria: Oh, Mother, you can't ask me to do that. Please let me stay, I beg of you.

Reverend Mother: Maria, these walls were not built to shut out problems. You have to face them. You have to live the life you were born to live.

 These nuns had it.  I used to feel just like Maria, I was scared and hiding in the walls of religion.  But, God is teaching me to face all that life has to throw at me, and that love is always holy.  I think its going to be my life mission to find out how God wants me to spend my love and then to spend it.  I've got to live the life I was born to live.

'Tis the Season To Be Thankful

   I'm so thankful that last week when I was missing all my random friends a lot God provided a weekend for me to go visit some of them in Chillicothe.  I had a great time just hangin' out.  We were techie nerds at McD's for a while, and I got to watch one of my favorite musicals, then we ate some late night grub at good ol' Country Kitchen and annoyed the old people.  And on Sunday I got to go to church with some great guys and do communion (which I've missed a lot because I got used to doing it every week in Springfield!) and then I learned to play pitch.  Well, I kinda learned to play pitch, I'm pretty sure we lost 42-0 and my partner hated me afterward...but I'll practice.  It was fun chillin' for a couple days.  God always provides just what I need at just the right time:)  

***Let it Snow***

November 15th was the first snow of the season!!!

I LOVE SNOW!  I can't wait to build a snowman!!!

Bring on the cold!

Church Church Church

This past Sunday I attended Shoal Creek Community Church. It was the first church I have ever attended that I would feel comfortable bringing an "un-churched" person to. They have totally made the service seeker friendly. There is no group singing, no passing the offering plate, no raising your hand if its your first time, and a lot of normal everyday things like songs you'd hear on the radio and videos. The atmosphere was much like a coffee shop I attended a concert at in Columbia, MO. In the main room there was a free coffee bar with cookies and such, tables were set up all along the back and sides of the room, and then there were chairs set up in the middle. I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about it all. I kind of feel like it was just a show that was put on for me to take in. But I could tell that nobody leading it was doing it for their own glory. There wasn't really a part of the service that pulled me in and required me to participate. But is that wrong, or bad? There were several mentions of getting connected with a "group" so I could tell that they do want people to go beyond what they experience on Sundays. Is this what "the church" of 2008 needs? In order to reach our neighbors do we need to make Sundays the time for others to come in and not feel awkward, and then have other things throughout the week for those who want to be challenged and grow in their faith. Its pretty much the exact opposite of what any other church I have ever attended has done. This past sunday, scripture was taught, we were challenged to let it impact the way we live. That was good. Maybe Shoal Creek isn't doing everything right, maybe they are, but I think the important thing is that they trying.

Into My Culture

I'm pretty sure my mind is still programmed to be believe that if I am investing time in "secular" things then I am pulling away from God. I've gone 10 days now without reading "church books," instead I've picked up some Dickens and Tolken. As I was spending time processing things today I realized I felt a little disconected. I told God this and his response was "Why? I've been right here."

There are no secular and christian areas of life, God is "over all and in all..."(Eph 4:6) My job is to stay mentally and spiritualy connected to Him always. I have got to retrain my mind to stop flipping a switch on and off when ever it assumes "God is in this, oh but God is not in this, Oh yes, God is in this again." I guess its more than just staying connected to God in all situations, I could hold hands with someone and be connected, but still be 5 feet away. Its about remaining IN Him (John 15:4-7). When I am finally IN Him wherever I go/whatever I do the Holy Spirit will go before me, every action will reflect Jesus' character, and God will increase as I decrease. He is always there...am I going to be in Him?

Olives, Daisies and a Shower

 I was watching an episode of Pushing Daisies online yesterday and one of the main characters (Olive Snook) decided to become a nun.  As I watched her running around the abbey I was reminded of all the "Saints" who have left behind prayers that have been kept around for hundreds of years.  They are like little encounters with God that they left for us...I need those prayers right now as I am striving to revitalize my prayer life...As I was watching a second episode of Pushing Daisies this morning I was interrupted by a text message reminding me of God's grace.  It was a reminder of the present day encounters there are to be had with God...I need those texts right now as I am striving to revitalize my relationship with Jesus...As I was watching "Fireproof" tonight there were lyrics to songs that would just leap out at me as if they were shouting "HEY! Look over hear, you gotta get this!"...I need those songs right now as I am striving to listen to Jesus.

God is so patient with me its ridiculous!  If I wrote a song I think it'd be "your patience is extravagant." God spent over a year and a half teaching me about love, and I haven't even fully learned all I need to yet.  But now I think He's moving on to teaching me about my need for others and how the "body of Christ" is really supposed to be one.  I have a lot more questions than answers right now and through this time God has been showing me the supports I've needed.  When I didn't know what to pray He gave me prayers.  When I didn't know how to encounter Christ, He gave me thoughts to remind me of His character.  When I didn't know how to listen, He sent me melodies.  And all these are coming straight through another human that I need.   Its not that I NEED anyone else for life, but I NEED others to complete the flow of Christ coming to me.  Its like a shower head...have you ever had one that is super old and covered in gunk and the water is just spraying all over the place?  It isn't very effective, but when the plumber comes and cleans it out all the little streams of water come together and start spraying forward drenching the person.  A friend reminded me today that God speaks through us all.  So if my relationship with any person is not correctly aligned I can miss the encounter with Christ completely. 

Thanks to those who have gone before and have left remnants for those of us still learning to run.  Thanks to all the artists who have dedicated their lives to expressing the creativity of their savior through song.  Thanks most of all to my closest friends who are sharing with me daily, reminding me of Christ.

God's perfect Timing

I think I left MSU at just the right time.  God really does know what he's doing, even though most of the time I have no clue what He's up to, sometimes he gives me a little glimpse.  In "Tossed by The Wind" Jimmy Needham sings about a boy who went off to college with a "curse for his thirst for the wisdom of men."  I think I was coming dangerously close to crossing that line of thirst for the wisdom of men.  Not that its bad to be well educated, but it is bad when I turn my focus from the God of the universe to the study of  african religions, Buddhism, and Islam.  I've actually caught myself a couple times thinking "well, that sounds really good and helpful, I could incorporate that into my 'religion'" which is totally not what God wants for us.  As I was sitting in Barnes and Noble today I had the chance to read some buddhist lit or some Zen stuff, it was really tempting, but I just felt like I'd be pouring poison into the "pure spiritual milk" I've been trying to feed on.  I think I have been walking dangerously close to the line of adultery.  I know its ridiculous but I feel like if I read the "Tao of Pooh" today it would have been as dangerous to my relationship with God as cheating on my husband would be.

I'm fascinated by other religions and cultures.  Why am I so easily caught up in things and pulled to the extremes?  Anything that's unknown makes me want to explore, anything that's a challenge makes me want it more.  Going SBU next semester is going to be really nice, I don't have to keep any guards up and I can freely dive head first into everything I'm studying cause it won't be a search for the wisdom of men, but the wisdom of God everyday.

LeTtErS

26 little letters have brought about all these words, all these thoughts, and all these books.  26 tiny worthless things... unless they are used.  Not just used, but used for the one purpose they were created for.  Sure a letter could be used on its own but "a" and "I" are words of small consequence.  When they are combined with other letters words like redeemed, forgiven, and love can be formed, words that can change the world.

As I sit and look at rows and rows of books I'm overwhelmed by the thought that maybe someday God will partner little insignificant me with other "letters" to form words and stories that will grow and work together to change the world.  The possibilities are endless as long as I am being used for the purpose I was created.  

Hebrews 5:4-10

"And no one can become a high priest simply because he wants such an honor. He must be called by God for this work, just as Aaron was. That is why Christ did not honor himself by assuming he could become High Priest. No, he was chosen by God, who said to him,

   “You are my Son.
      Today I have become your Father.”

 And in another passage God said to him,

   “You are a priest forever in the order of Melchizedek.”

 While Jesus was here on earth, he offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the one who could rescue him from death. And God heard his prayers because of his deep reverence for God.  Even though Jesus was God’s Son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered.  In this way, God qualified him as a perfect High Priest, and he became the source of eternal salvation for all those who obey him. And God designated him to be a High Priest in the order of Melchizedek."

Jesus' first calling in life was to be God's son.  He knew that was his calling and he accepted it.  Jesus wasn't prideful or caught up in trying to impress others so he didn't honor himself by assuming the role of High Priest.  But then, after Jesus learned and lived obedience, and he showed deep reverence for God, God qualified him as a perfect High Priest. 

Just like Jesus I've got to be satisfied with being called God's child, if that's his calling on my life then I don't need to be trying to attain anything beyond that.  Perhaps after I have learned obedience and my prayer life reflects reverence for God I will be called for "bigger things," but if being called a child of God was enough for Jesus, then that call will be good enough for me today too.

it

After these last couple of years I thought I was pretty close to "fixed."  But last night at church and this morning through my book God has reminded me that there is still healing to be done in my life.  I think its cool that God is willing to push me, He's not just letting me stay where I am and be "good enough," he's helping me become perfect.

God, Please stretch me, you are the only one who knows the limits of my abilities, break me out of this shell, teach me to always go one more step.  Please ruin me, break my heart for what breaks yours, put me in circumstances that will forever change how I relate to the world, break down every wall I've built, take my breath away. Please heal me, take my adrenaline addiction, my obsession with food, and my screwed up need to be torn down and make me whole, give me rest!  I need you Lord. PLEASE give IT to me. Amen

 

May God bless us with discomfort at easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships, so that we may live deep within our hearts.

May God bless us with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that we may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless us with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation and war, so that we may reach out our hands to comfort them and turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless us with enough foolishness to believe that we can make a difference in this world, so that we can do what others claim cannot be done.  -a Franciscan benediction 

burnt out

Its a slow process, but I'm learning.  I get burnt out and disappointed when I take the dreams God has given me and try to make things happen.  I believe God uses the dreams/desires of our hearts to guide us, but I can't just take that desire and say "ok, what will I do with this now?"  I must leave it in God's hands and let him guide me every step of the way to the fulfillment of what he has placed in me.  He knows what He's doing and he reveals what He is up to so I can make to choice to join him.  I need to learn to be more patient and less controlling, God's got everything taken care of.

it

Its so easy for me to fall in love with the Church rather than God.  There is one invisible God, and the Church is here, all over the place, right up in your face.  I get distracted so easily, what's my deal?  I think I'm taking November off from reading books about church.  I'll stick to the Bible alone for 31 days.  

Worship is...

"Worship is separating the world from God in different ways, just to be in awe of Him."-J.P. 

1) Worship is living by continuously making the choice to focus on God rather than the world

2)Worship is not just singing, preaching, painting, or dancing it happens in tons of different ways as we turn every simple act of life into an act of worship

3)True worship has no hidden motives, it is simply done so that we may be in awe of God, a gift that we can return to him for all he has done for us.  Its a sign of respect and adoration, all we can do is be in awe of the majestic God because He is so overwhelmingly great.

I think its cool how things come so naturally to those who really do have the childlike faith the Bible talks about.  I asked a friend to define worship for me and he just told me what he feels. Thats cool.  God is giving us all revelations of himself, and the faith we live out and we've got to be willing to open up and share.  It saddens me to think how Bible college changes things for so many people.  Rather than Christianity being your passion and joy, it becomes your work and a religion to study.  Students minds are filled with the thoughts of "theological greats" and you are turned into a copy cat rather than a passionate follower of Jesus who isn't afraid  to express what God is personally showing you about a matter.

Dee Dah Day

Had two great reminders to celebrate the little things in life today:

1) Jake Aviles smiling, laughing, and jumping up and down because he was getting a second package of Pow (Cars fruit snacks)

2) The old ladies on the bikes next to me at the YMCA just chatting away and just like its a normal part of the conversation..." Oh yes, that was Betty, now is she still alive?"

it

If you could only do one thing in ministry for the rest of your life what would it be?

What is the one thing you could be the best at?

Five months ago I would have been able to answer those questions without hesitation, right now its a little foggy...

Early Thanksgiving

Come, let is sing to the Lord! Let us give a joyous shout to the rock of our salvation! Let us come before Him with thanksgiving... Psalm 95:1-2
I am so thankful that God has given me this time to just chill right now! I needed it so badly. I was extremely exhausted from 15 months of working with ministries that didn't fully have it. Through my own experience, and from watching the dramatic change in a friend's life after he exited an exhausting ministry, I have learned the huge importance of REALLY knowing what you are getting into when you join a ministry team. It just blows my mind how taxing "spiritual work" is on the body.

Be still; and know that I am GOD... Psalm 46:10
I think I'm growing and maturing more in this time away from everything than I would be if I was still at college with a small group, accountability partner, tuesday, wednesday and friday night worship, service projects and solid church on sundays. With all the extra noise out of the way I can finally just sit at the feet of God and listen for the still, small voice. Talking to God has always been way more powerful for me that just listening to someone talk about God.

What I Really Want to Say -S. C. Chapman

I say I love you I say I need you

I try so many ways to say how my heart beats for you

I say I'm always thinking about you

There's no way I'd want to face this life without you

And even though these words come from deep inside me

There's so much more I don't have the words to say

'cause what I really want to say

Is what the sun would say to the sky

For giving it a place to come alive

But my words get in the way

Of what I really want to say

Oh what I really want to say

I will spend my whole life looking for a way somehow

To let you know just how precious you are to me

I'll use the best words I know but I still won't say it all

It's like a tale too great to be told

It's something that my heart can only show

I'm gonna take my whole life

Just to let you know

What I really want to say

What if?

" According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly.

Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.

The bee, of course, flies anyway.

Because bees don't care what humans think is impossible."

-Bee Movie

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10

What if we just didn't care what humans thought was impossible? How much higher would we fly?

My Dream Job

As of October 15th, 2008 I'm thinking my dream job would be filling a position that would be part time missions coordinator and part time youth leader at a church that gets It.  I'd love to partner with someone in leading youth, doing girls ministry stuff, leading small groups, meeting one-on-one with students,  maybe teaching every now and then, and going on all the trips and retreats and stuff.  But I'm not too sure if  I really want to be in charge of it all.  In this dream job of mine I would also get to go on short term mission trips and watch the joy in people as they experience God's awesomeness through different cultures. And maybe even God could hook us up with some cool opportunities to serve as missionaries in our own community.  It'd be a pretty sweet job....but then I remember God's got greater plans for me than I could ever dream up...I'm excited to see what my future holds.

Experiencing God

I was just spending some time thinking the other day trying to figure out how I got to where I am today, and I couldn't really do it. Then, last week I started doing my favorite Bible study for the second time and had a big "OH, YEAH!" moment. I'm pretty sure Experiencing God should be a required study for every young Christian. It teaches you to have a relationship with God, to listen to Him, believe Him, and obey Him. And that is what the life of a Christian should look like on a daily basis. Its pretty much the reason why so many people think I'm crazy today. But its also one of the biggest reasons I'm madly in love with my creator.

"The world has yet to see what God can do with and for and through and in a man who is fully and wholly consecrated to Him." -Henry Varley

Pop Goes the Church

I finished Pop Goes the Church a couple weeks ago, but I'm still thinking about it almost everyday. One of the last things it talked about was how people can always tell if you're faking it, or just using pop culture be "cool." I would be a total fake if I tried to use pop culture for any lesson right now. Ok, I lied, I would not be faking if I used a clip of Dora sharing her Cowboy cookies with Swiper to talk about loving your neighbor as yourself. But seriously, that is the extent of my cultural awareness, preschool cartoons. And I'm pretty sure high schoolers don't want to hear about Dora, Wubzy, or Backyardigans. I don't know what's really in store for my future, but I sure hope it involves me becoming normal. I've got to get out of this exclusive Christian culture I've been trapped in for so long!

Boys will be Boys

So I'm living with a family of boys right now, these boys are 7 months, 20 months, 9, 11, and 36. I don't know how their mom has remained sane for so many years. I was the only girl at dinner last night and it was really funny. I actually started timing how long they had gone just making noises without saying a word of english but got distracted by one of them eating corn off the table. God's in depth attention to detail in his creation never ceases to amaze me. He could have made boys and girls exactly the same, but how boring.

P.S. JoEllen Aviles is a STUD.

reFocus

There is a great God who is calling you to be part of something bigger than yourself.

next to come

God is opening my eyes to things I can not see clearly yet.  He's pushing me into waters I haven't tested yet.  I'm scared, I feel useless, I have no clue what lies ahead.  But its ok.  God knows the plans He has for me, and he will finish the good work He has started in me.  Like Starfield sings "I am alive in this moment..." and I will start living each moment to the fullest.

I've been thinking about James 4:13-16 quite a bit lately:

Look here, you people who say, "Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year.  We will do business there and make a profit."  How do you know what will happen tomorrow?  For your life is like the morning fog- its here a little while, then its gone.  What you ought to say is, "If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that."  Otherwise you will be boasting about your own plans, and all such boasting is evil.

I have a problem with proclaiming my own plans as the way things are goin down...I need to start applying these verses to my life.

"As you grow you'll find that I get bigger and bigger and bigger..." -Aslan The Chronicles of Narnia

Pop Goes the Church

"Every church is relevant to pop culture; some are just relevant to a pop culture of yesterday.  To say you are not concerned with pop culture is to say you are actually stuck in a previous era, and only acting as if that era was 'more holy' than the one we are in now."

"You have to decide your goal: Focus on reaching new people or focus on keeping disgruntled people.  You can't do both."

"If we use pop culture just to be cool, then it'll come across as a gimmick because it is.  If we are motivated by our desire to incarnate truth so people can understand God, then it'll come across as authentic."

Pop Goes the Church

About half way through the book it finally started to click.

I don't know if it was Stevens talking about being a missionary in Africa or using Pushing Daisies as an illustration but somewhere in there I just got it. 

A person could go to church for weeks sit in a pew (if any church other than 2nd Baptist still has pews) and leave saying, "this just isn't me."  We have created our own little Christian culture and the "outsiders" don't get it.  But, its impossible to go to church for weeks and put up a wall and say "this just isn't me" when what is being discussed is the very thing that was in your home thursday night.  When the church uses the songs, books, and movies that are already in a person's head there is an automatic connection made.  A person can sit in church and say "hey, they are just like me, but they have something more."  And that is where the power of the scripture comes in to take them past the TV show illustrations to an understanding that they matter to God.

WHY WAS I SO BLIND!?!?!

  God has called me to be a missionary.  I have read books, attended conferences, been to training meetings, and  researched different cultures.  I know that the first thing you have to do is learn the culture of a people group so you can identify the barriers that will arise between them and yourself.  Then you do whatever it takes to remove the barriers, and learn to use examples from their culture to make the gospel relevant to them.  So what was I thinking coming into my own country, setting up my own little world and expecting others to want in?  It should be the same approach here, learn the culture, break down the barriers, use everyday life to make scripture relevant.  I don't think most normal people have to go out and learn their own culture, but I guess I need to...I'm such a weirdo.  So wether I'm serving in Sudan or some po-dunk town in Missouri my approach to ministry will be the same. 

"The serving we are called to requires direct contact.  You can not wash the feet of a dirty world if you refuse to touch it."  -Erwin McManus  

How Will You Be Spent?

Ben Pilgreen- Second Baptist- Springfield, Mo

The reason Jesus served was because it was his nature(Phil 2:7)- He was a servant,

He did not serve in order to become a servant

John 13

Jesus washed the disciples' feet because they were dirty.  Its that simple.  What needs can you meet in a person's life today so that they can move on to communion with Jesus?

Jesus washed Judas' feet knowing that it wouldn't make a difference in the way Judas treated him in return.  What if practicing obedience is the only purpose for your service?  What if you don't get to see any growth and rewards?  Is service still your nature?

whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave—just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.  Matthew 20:26-28

Responsibility

" Don't try to avoid responsibility by saying you didn't know about it.  For God knows all hearts, and he sees you.  He keeps watch over your soul, and he knows you knew!  And he will judge all people according to what they have done."  Prov 24:12

Lord I have a heavy burden of all I've seen and know 
It's more than I can handle 
But your word is burning like a fire shut up in my bones 
and I cannot let it go 

And when I'm weary and overwrought 
with so many battles left unfought 

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard 
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars 
And when the Saints go marching in 
I want to be one of them 

I see the shepherd Moses in the Pharaoh's court 
I hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord 

And when the Saints go marching in 
I want to be one of them 

I see the long quiet walk along the Underground Railroad 
I see the slave awakening to the value of her soul 

I see the young missionary and the angry spear 
I see his family returning with no trace of fear 

I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights 
I see the sisters standing by the dying man's side 

I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor 
I see the man with a passion come and kicking down the door 

I see the man of sorrows and his long troubled road 
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load

And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them

-When the Saints  by Sara Groves

What are we doing?!?!  There's a world that needs Christ, and we are his hands...we can not avoid the responsibility, we can not turn our head any longer...its time for the Church to open the doors and reach the streets...

Pop Goes the Church

"Frustration, confusion, and guilt can cripple those desperately trying to harmonize the Bible with their everyday lives.  They want to understand how the same God can speak to them through R-rated films such as The Shawshank Redemption or Braveheart while calling them to "flee from sexual immorality."

-Yep