Real Church by Larry Crabb

I am really enjoying this book. I think its mostly because its by an old, gray haired, grandpa man who "gets it!" Its not just another guy in his 30's going on a rant about how everyone has been doing church wrong and everything has to change. Dr. Crabb has really gotten my attention by posing a bazillion questions in each chapter that really get me thinking about what my true motives are behind going to church, reading the Bible, praying, etc.

Chapter 7 turned out to contain the answer to the prayer I've been praying for weeks. There were a few months earlier this year when I felt totally alone, and like God had totally abandoned me. It made me feel really mad, scared, hurt, and hopeless. All I wanted was to feel God's presence, or just hear one reassuring word, but I got nothing. Now that I have a few months between that time of my life and the present I've been praying and trying to figure out what was actually going on. Was it my fault? Had I done something/was I not doing something? Had God actually forgotten me? I finally found some closure to these questions as Dr. Crabb explained over and over how not "feeling" God right now can help us grow so much more than instant warm fuzzy gratification.

"Real Christians live authentically, with no pretense that in Jesus they're always happy and holy."

"Our faith develops most strongly and God is glorified most fully when we feel only His absence, when every trace of His presence vanishes and our resolve to trust continues."

"Bible-based hope is a rock. God-present experience is more like sand- good to play in but not good to build a life on."

"I suspect a painful thirst to experience God that...permits rest in the security of trusting divine love is more spiritually forming than the experience itself."

"unfelt but trusted hope more reliably sustains a missional lifestyle than the felt experience of satisfaction in Christ."

"A church determined to find a way to experience God now as He will be experienced only in heaven would, I fear, get in the way of knowing God as He longs to be known and can be known in this world."

"Emptiness or loneliness that remains unfilled and is experienced as excruciating soul pain can be transformed by the Holy Spirit into desperately compelling hunger for God that will keep us seeking Him with all our hearts for the rest of our lives."

Last night I actually thanked God for the time of emptiness that I had been so angry about. I can finally see that he was just helping my thirst for him to grow. He was doing the best thing he could to form me spiritually. Now I can rest in confident hope, knowing that this longing I live with will someday be satisfied when I meet El Roi is heaven. And, my happiness, my church attendance or Bible reading does not need to be fueled by a need to feel God today.

joy

Oversized pajama pants,

56 degrees,

chili on the stove,

25 pages in a new book,

I love sunday mornings in the fall

Mainstay montage

I keep on chasing the wrong things
and coming up empty
this isn't who im supposed to be
I keep on learning the hard way from every mistake
And I'm finding each time that you fall
you're just becoming who you are

Healer of my heart, come burn away the dark

under soft twilight I can hear your voice tonight

Your name is higher than the heavens

your glory fills a million skies

your heart is reaching down from heaven

and my soul cries out to you

our girl doesn't waste her breath

she stands like a sage

she moves, but she never moves away from you

You lost yourself in finding out

the wonders of the world will let you down

you gave yourself to those who never cared about your soul

they only cared about their own

it seems like everyone has left you...you're not alone

I don't know how I could turn my back and walk away

all I really want is for your love to hold me

Jesus, take this heart and make it whole again

You are the only one for me

that look in your eyes is all I need

this world could offer anything, but they can keep it all

becuase you're the only one for me

all of me longs for you

light of the world

coming soon, break through all this pain

falling down, calling out

your love surrounding me

I'm sick and tired of blending in

and never telling anyone how you set this sinner free

you found me living without hope

and then you drew me to yourself

and your mercy made me clean

the day breaks, the night falls

and don't I look the same?

but love came and changed me

so I hope in you and nothing else

All I know is that I want to go back

to the moment that I fell in love with grace

and I hear you whisper

How He Loves

He is jealous for me

Loves like a hurricane

I am a tree

bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy...

Its true, God's love and mercy are endlessly pouring over me. But instead of accepting God's awesome restoring gifts and letting them bend me, change me, I fight it. The human side of me easily falls prey to the lies satan feeds. I try to fight the wind, standing firm while "look at your life, you think you deserve anything from God?!" echos through my stressed out mind. Why do I fight it? Why can't I just accept a gift? When the healing I want so badly is right in front of me why can't I just bend and let God have his perfect way?

I heard a pastor on the radio explaining about metamorphosis this morning. He said that if anybody helps a butterfly out of its cocoon he will never be able to fly. The struggle of breaking out from the old life and into the new strengthens his muscles enough that his wings will be able to support its body weight. I kind of feel like I'm at that breaking out of my cocoon point. Although there are a lot of things I wish my friends could just fix for me I have to fight through some tough stuff on my own, so that afterwards I'll be strong enough to fly.

God never ceases to amaze me, he's so crazy patient and forgiving.

The Feast Begins

He humbled you, causing you to hunger, then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that people do not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. Deuteronomy 8:3

I started a new Bible study tonight. After spending over an hour reading, writing, listening to God, and searching scripture I felt satisfied for the first time in a LONG time! I'm really excited to get to spend the next 10 weeks gorging myself on this buffet of scripture and insight from Beth Moore and other scholars.

A few of my favorite Quotes:

"God is committed even when we're not. God keeps covenant even when we don't. Somehow his plan gets accomplished, and anyone who has been privileged to be part of it is left without a shadow of a doubt that it happened through God alone."

"God's purpose in blessing one is to bless many: 'I will bless you'(Gen 12:2) 'and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you' (v. 3). If God blesses us we don't have to wonder if that blessing has further purpose. We're blessed to bless."

"God calls us to leave our familiar spiritual countryside- our ruts, our comfort zones, and every hint of mediocrity- and "go" to a place He will show us."

"We'll find that Abram was deeply flawed just as we are, but we'll also find that faith and obedience went a long way."

Abram set out on his journey from mesopotamia. His first stop was Haran where they stayed until his father died. He then continued on his journey that is estimated to have been around 1,000 miles, the entire time not knowing where he was going.

I wonder if my life journey right now is kind of like Abe's was: left Springfield, made a stop with the family for a bit, and then my 1,000 miles will continue. 1,000 miles feels like a long time. I've made some dumb choices in the past. For a while I didn't want God's guidance for my every day life I just wanted him to give me the "inside scoop" on what job I should have, and for him to use his "super powers" to give me the hook ups. Luckily God always keeps his side of the covenant even when we get off track. God in all his grace and love has taken my hand again and is leading me day to day on my 1,000 miles. He's so good.

Put In Me - Waterdeep

Oh, Mercy, fall on me like a warm blanket...on my cold, cold heart
Clean me with Your blood that turns me white on the inside
I'm on my knees again 'cause I'm breaking Your heart

Put in me...what I cannot buy with gold
Put in me, oh God...come restore my broken soul
Put in me...what I cannot give myself
Put in me...a clean heart

I know all my broken places like the back of my hand
That slapped your face again
Wash me in your love and hold me tight like a baby
Till I have no memory of ever breaking Your heart

And in the joy when you restore me I will stand and walk again
I will run into this world I will call them to come in
But I will not point my finger or grow that wicked skin
That cannot remember what I will not forget
How I broke you, or how I'm broken