A word from Daniel

"O Lord, hear. O Lord, forgive. O Lord, listen and act! For your own sake, O my God, do not delay, for your people and your city bear your name." Daniel 9:19

Then he said, "Don't be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day you began to pray for understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your request has been heard in heaven. I have come in answer to your prayer." Daniel 10:12

"Don't be afraid," he said, "for you are deeply loved by God. Be at peace; take heart and be strong!" Daniel 10:19

**snow**

First snow of the winter November 30, 2010!

Psalm 119:133

Guide my steps by your word, so I will not be overcome by evil. Psalm 119:133

God's word offers us so much. Freedom, guidance, protection, confidence. This verse is a good reminder to me that I need to take life one step at a time. And when those steps are guided by God's word I will find victory over all the evil crap that keeps trying to creep in.

Switchfoot- Let That be Enough

I wish I had what I need
to live on my own

'cause I feel so defeated

and I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless

And I have no plans

I'm a plane in the sunset

with nowhere to land

And all I see

it could never make me happy

And all my sand castles
spend their time collapsing

Let me know that you hear me

let me know your touch

let me know that You love me

let that be enough

And I feel stuck
watching history repeating

yeah, who am I?

just a kid who knows he's needy

let me know that you hear me

let me know your touch

let me know that You love me

and let that be enough

I can't wait until I get to the point when just knowing God hears me and loves me is enough. I know it can be, I've been there before. But now I'm stuck in my worry and thinking that God and ______ will be enough. There's a daily, minute by minute choice I've got to make to put aside my tendancy to think like the rest of the world does until just having God is enough. It can be my first response to trust and accept God's peace and I want to push on until it is.

Seasons Change

"Speak a prophetic message to these bones and say, 'Dry bones listen to the word of the Lord! This is what the sovereign Lord says: Look, I am going to put breath into you and make you live again! I will put flesh and muscles on you and cover you with skin. I will put breath into you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.'" Ezekiel 37:4-6

There is nothing more life giving to me than God's word. As I read these verses today it was just like God was speaking directly to me. I've felt like dead, dried up, forgotten bones for so long and just to hear the power that God has to put flesh, muscles, and skin back on me was exactly what I needed to hear. And He doesn't stop there, after he puts me back together he breathes life into me again so that I will know that He IS THE LORD! I've had doubts, but to see the changes he has made in my life over and over again leaves me no option but to believe He is The Lord.

God gives and gives so much to us, so that we can know him, so that we can have eternal life with him. James 1:21 emplores us to "humbly accept the message God has planted in [our] heart, for it is strong enough to save [our] souls." He wants us, he gives us everything for life (true life!) here on earth and for eternity. All he asks of us is to accept. I make things way more difficult than they have to be between me and God. These past few months have been pretty horrible at times, but once again God is giving me life and peace that I know can only be found in him.

Sometimes I realize how fickle I am towards God and it makes me sick. But dang its hard to put my trust in him sometimes. Maybe it'll come easier over time. Maybe it won't get easier but I'll just get stronger. All I know is I'm thankful for the continuing cycle of the seasons. I have hope because the new life of Spring always comes after the dead of winter.

Songs of My Life Part 2

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace

-Matthew West

I am full of earth
You are heaven’s worth
I am stained with dirt, prone to depravity
You are everything that is bright and clean
The antonym of me
You are divinity
But a certain sign of grace is this
From the broken earth flowers come up
Pushing through the dirt
You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries “Holy, holy God”

-David Crowder Band

"Other people at church heard directly from the Spirit, but Claudius had only seen the face of God in the world around him. Maybe hearing God would quiet the restlessness in his soul. He took the words back immediately. For seventy years Claudius couldn't remember a single day he wasn't grateful, and he wasn't going to change that today. So, he said to the good Lord Jesus, he'd take whatever God was willing to give. No less and no more." - Resurrection in May by Lisa Samson

Faith

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 (NIV)

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." Hebrews 11:1 (NLT)

"The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see" Hebrews 11:1 (Message)

Now faith is not freaking out and getting angry at God when you've followed him step by step for five years and then it seems like he has totally forgotten that you just graduated with a degree in ministry, but having the confidence that some day God will give me a full-time job that I love, and fully believing the guarantee that he has a plan for my life. Hebrews 11:1 (Crystal's life version)

So we are made right with God through faith and not by obeying the law. Romans 3:28

Getting back to the basics, Christianity IS faith, I've been severely lacking in that area. This faith revival is bringing back excitement and hope into my life. As the Message puts it faith is "the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living." God's lifting me up, he's so good.

Songs of my life

"To label me a prodigal would be only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be" - Rush of Fools

"I made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive" - Switchfoot

"There's a girl in the corner With tear stains on her eyes From the places she's wandered And the shame she can't hide She says, "How did I get here? I'm not who I once was. And I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love" But don't you know who you are, What's been done for you? Yeah don't you know who you are? You are more than the choices that you've made, You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, You are more than the problems you create, You've been remade. 'Cause this is not about what you've done, But what's been done for you. This is not about where you've been, But where your brokenness brings you to." -Tenth Avenue North

I want to go to a Real Church

- A real church longs to know every book of the Bible, to know the One who wrote it, to hear the story the books are telling and to communicate the story of spiritual theology to its people.

-A real church pleads with God's Spirit, the Spirit of holiness, to keep spiritually forming its people until they see Jesus as their supreme treasure no matter how they feel or how others treat them or how their lives are going.

-A real church aims toward spiritual community, where souls connect, where shame weakens, where sin surfaces, where failure meets grace, where irritattions soften, where holy desire grows.

- A real church knows that doing good in this world has little redemptive power unless the do-gooders know Jesus, resemble Jesus, and are relating like Jesus in the energy of Jesus, in their homes and churches first, and then in the culture around them.

Hope

Somewhere over the past few weeks I read a definition of hope that has been pretty life changing for me. I think it was from Beth Moore's Patriarchs study so I'll give her the credit: "Hope is the present enjoyment of a future promise."
Real Church has played a pretty huge role in rearranging my thoughts about this life and how I expect God to be working in it. I've come to realize that a lot of time the trials we go through are not just about us. We can't see the bigger picture of what God is trying to accomplish in our families, at our jobs, in the lives of our friends, etc. So being able to trust that God knows what he's up to even when we have no idea is pretty huge.
I've come to agree with Larry Crabb when he says "spiritual formation will increase not our experience of God but our thrist for God." I'm thirsty, and there are so many things close at hand that I could use to quench that thirst, #1 easiest for me- food. But the more I thirst for God the more I realize that God is shaping me into something different and new. And this is where the hope comes in. I can sit around and be depressed that I'm 24, unemployed, living in my parent's house, and don't have a church to call my own. OR I can change my thought patterns to enjoy the promise that one day this thirst will be quenched, everything will be perfect and I'll get to party it up in perfect joy and peace in the presence of GOD himself!
Life is hard. God is good.

And we're off

I went on my first star-light run this morning. It was really peaceful. It reminded me a lot of Sombrerette, Mexico. Man I can't wait to get out of the country again!

I guess I'm training for a marathon? I didn't really plan on it, but I needed a training schedule just so I'd have something to do to get in shape. And, it just turned out that this training schedule ends up getting me ready for a marathon next October. So, here we go, let the adventure begin.

Real Church by Larry Crabb

I am really enjoying this book. I think its mostly because its by an old, gray haired, grandpa man who "gets it!" Its not just another guy in his 30's going on a rant about how everyone has been doing church wrong and everything has to change. Dr. Crabb has really gotten my attention by posing a bazillion questions in each chapter that really get me thinking about what my true motives are behind going to church, reading the Bible, praying, etc.

Chapter 7 turned out to contain the answer to the prayer I've been praying for weeks. There were a few months earlier this year when I felt totally alone, and like God had totally abandoned me. It made me feel really mad, scared, hurt, and hopeless. All I wanted was to feel God's presence, or just hear one reassuring word, but I got nothing. Now that I have a few months between that time of my life and the present I've been praying and trying to figure out what was actually going on. Was it my fault? Had I done something/was I not doing something? Had God actually forgotten me? I finally found some closure to these questions as Dr. Crabb explained over and over how not "feeling" God right now can help us grow so much more than instant warm fuzzy gratification.

"Real Christians live authentically, with no pretense that in Jesus they're always happy and holy."

"Our faith develops most strongly and God is glorified most fully when we feel only His absence, when every trace of His presence vanishes and our resolve to trust continues."

"Bible-based hope is a rock. God-present experience is more like sand- good to play in but not good to build a life on."

"I suspect a painful thirst to experience God that...permits rest in the security of trusting divine love is more spiritually forming than the experience itself."

"unfelt but trusted hope more reliably sustains a missional lifestyle than the felt experience of satisfaction in Christ."

"A church determined to find a way to experience God now as He will be experienced only in heaven would, I fear, get in the way of knowing God as He longs to be known and can be known in this world."

"Emptiness or loneliness that remains unfilled and is experienced as excruciating soul pain can be transformed by the Holy Spirit into desperately compelling hunger for God that will keep us seeking Him with all our hearts for the rest of our lives."

Last night I actually thanked God for the time of emptiness that I had been so angry about. I can finally see that he was just helping my thirst for him to grow. He was doing the best thing he could to form me spiritually. Now I can rest in confident hope, knowing that this longing I live with will someday be satisfied when I meet El Roi is heaven. And, my happiness, my church attendance or Bible reading does not need to be fueled by a need to feel God today.

joy

Oversized pajama pants,

56 degrees,

chili on the stove,

25 pages in a new book,

I love sunday mornings in the fall

Mainstay montage

I keep on chasing the wrong things
and coming up empty
this isn't who im supposed to be
I keep on learning the hard way from every mistake
And I'm finding each time that you fall
you're just becoming who you are

Healer of my heart, come burn away the dark

under soft twilight I can hear your voice tonight

Your name is higher than the heavens

your glory fills a million skies

your heart is reaching down from heaven

and my soul cries out to you

our girl doesn't waste her breath

she stands like a sage

she moves, but she never moves away from you

You lost yourself in finding out

the wonders of the world will let you down

you gave yourself to those who never cared about your soul

they only cared about their own

it seems like everyone has left you...you're not alone

I don't know how I could turn my back and walk away

all I really want is for your love to hold me

Jesus, take this heart and make it whole again

You are the only one for me

that look in your eyes is all I need

this world could offer anything, but they can keep it all

becuase you're the only one for me

all of me longs for you

light of the world

coming soon, break through all this pain

falling down, calling out

your love surrounding me

I'm sick and tired of blending in

and never telling anyone how you set this sinner free

you found me living without hope

and then you drew me to yourself

and your mercy made me clean

the day breaks, the night falls

and don't I look the same?

but love came and changed me

so I hope in you and nothing else

All I know is that I want to go back

to the moment that I fell in love with grace

and I hear you whisper

How He Loves

He is jealous for me

Loves like a hurricane

I am a tree

bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy...

Its true, God's love and mercy are endlessly pouring over me. But instead of accepting God's awesome restoring gifts and letting them bend me, change me, I fight it. The human side of me easily falls prey to the lies satan feeds. I try to fight the wind, standing firm while "look at your life, you think you deserve anything from God?!" echos through my stressed out mind. Why do I fight it? Why can't I just accept a gift? When the healing I want so badly is right in front of me why can't I just bend and let God have his perfect way?

I heard a pastor on the radio explaining about metamorphosis this morning. He said that if anybody helps a butterfly out of its cocoon he will never be able to fly. The struggle of breaking out from the old life and into the new strengthens his muscles enough that his wings will be able to support its body weight. I kind of feel like I'm at that breaking out of my cocoon point. Although there are a lot of things I wish my friends could just fix for me I have to fight through some tough stuff on my own, so that afterwards I'll be strong enough to fly.

God never ceases to amaze me, he's so crazy patient and forgiving.

The Feast Begins

He humbled you, causing you to hunger, then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that people do not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. Deuteronomy 8:3

I started a new Bible study tonight. After spending over an hour reading, writing, listening to God, and searching scripture I felt satisfied for the first time in a LONG time! I'm really excited to get to spend the next 10 weeks gorging myself on this buffet of scripture and insight from Beth Moore and other scholars.

A few of my favorite Quotes:

"God is committed even when we're not. God keeps covenant even when we don't. Somehow his plan gets accomplished, and anyone who has been privileged to be part of it is left without a shadow of a doubt that it happened through God alone."

"God's purpose in blessing one is to bless many: 'I will bless you'(Gen 12:2) 'and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you' (v. 3). If God blesses us we don't have to wonder if that blessing has further purpose. We're blessed to bless."

"God calls us to leave our familiar spiritual countryside- our ruts, our comfort zones, and every hint of mediocrity- and "go" to a place He will show us."

"We'll find that Abram was deeply flawed just as we are, but we'll also find that faith and obedience went a long way."

Abram set out on his journey from mesopotamia. His first stop was Haran where they stayed until his father died. He then continued on his journey that is estimated to have been around 1,000 miles, the entire time not knowing where he was going.

I wonder if my life journey right now is kind of like Abe's was: left Springfield, made a stop with the family for a bit, and then my 1,000 miles will continue. 1,000 miles feels like a long time. I've made some dumb choices in the past. For a while I didn't want God's guidance for my every day life I just wanted him to give me the "inside scoop" on what job I should have, and for him to use his "super powers" to give me the hook ups. Luckily God always keeps his side of the covenant even when we get off track. God in all his grace and love has taken my hand again and is leading me day to day on my 1,000 miles. He's so good.

Put In Me - Waterdeep

Oh, Mercy, fall on me like a warm blanket...on my cold, cold heart
Clean me with Your blood that turns me white on the inside
I'm on my knees again 'cause I'm breaking Your heart

Put in me...what I cannot buy with gold
Put in me, oh God...come restore my broken soul
Put in me...what I cannot give myself
Put in me...a clean heart

I know all my broken places like the back of my hand
That slapped your face again
Wash me in your love and hold me tight like a baby
Till I have no memory of ever breaking Your heart

And in the joy when you restore me I will stand and walk again
I will run into this world I will call them to come in
But I will not point my finger or grow that wicked skin
That cannot remember what I will not forget
How I broke you, or how I'm broken

My Life, Summarized in Poem

... Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.

Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't

Because, sometimes, you won't

I'm sorry to say so

but, sadly, its true

that Bang-ups

and Hang-ups

can happen to you.

You can get all hung up

in a prickle-ly perch.

And your gang will fly on.

You'll be left n a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch

with an unpleasant bump.

And the chances are, then,

that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,

you're not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself

is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.

Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked...

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...

or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?

Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,

for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused

that you'll start in to race

down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The waiting place...for people just waiting

Waiting for a train to go

or a bus to come, or the snow to snow,

or waiting for their hair to grow

Everyone is just waiting.

NO!

That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying.

You'll find the bright places

where boom bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,

once more you'll ride high!

Ready for anything under the sky...

Starry Night

More About How Part 2

In my previous "More About How" blog I talked about how I learned that Christianity is more about the attitude behind what we are doing rather than what we are doing. I thought I understood it then. But God is just now showing me what that was really all about. I've been doing some things that are new to me and I couldn't figure out if I should or not. Today I finally figured out that its not what I'm doing or not doing, but my attitude and motivation that's behind it all. If only this lesson would have clicked a couple weeks ago when God first tried to teach it to me. Well, this is life, we live and learn, it hurts sometimes, but the adventure makes it exciting. I wonder what's around the next corner.

Hurricane

I have built a city here
Half with pride and half with fear
Just wanted a safer place to hide
I don’t want to be safe tonight

I need You like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I’m only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I’m only Yours now
I’m only Yours now

I am Yours and You are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction’s what I need
Then I’ll receive it Lord from Thee
Yes, I’ll receive it Lord from Thee

And it’s Your eye in the storm
Watching over me
And it’s Your eye in the storm
Wanting only good for me
And if You are the war
Let me be the casualty
‘Til I’m Yours alone
I am only Yours
I am Yours alone, Lord

Just talking

I'm kind of annoyed at myself for accepting things so blindly as a teen, taking whatever any youth pastor told me as truth and not really testing it out on my own. Now that I'm going back and searching to find out why I believe what I do, and why I need to do what I do my faith is becoming a real part of me, not just some backpack I carry around to add on to who I am.

I was shocked the other day as my eyes were opened to the reality of the state of my soul. I've been severely disconnected from God. I was thinking about how much I want a friend of mine to know Jesus, but then I just thought "WHY?" This "relationship" I have with Jesus isn't making any difference in my life right now, I am just as stressed and worried, if not more than the majority of the seniors on Missouri State campus about my future. This "relationship" is not granting me peace. I am just as insecure as any other girl on campus, this "relationship" is not granting me security. I realized that I was just going through the motions, I have been trained to see a person, label them a sinner in need, and automatically say "they need Jesus!" So, Im stepping back, trying to rip off all the crap that I've just tacked on because I was supposed to, and am seeking the simplicity of talking with Jesus. I know that there is peace and security and love to be found in Jesus and until his life is transforming me I will not be who I should be, nor will I have the right motives in any other relationship.

More About How

After 23 years in the Church I'm finally learning what it means to be free. Tonight I read Ephesians 4:1 "I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling..." and the first thing that started popping into my head was lists of rules and finding more things I should add to the "must do" or "must not do" list. I was instantly weighed down from the thought.

But then, I continued to read and verses 2 and 3 explains the way we lead a life worthy of God's calling. Its all about attitude: "Be humble and gentle, patient with each other, making allowances for each other's faults because of your love...and bind yourselves together with peace." Could it be that being a Christian is more about how we act than what are actions are?

Continuing on in the chapter, verse 22 tells us to "throw off your old evil nature and your former way of life..." Its saying get rid of the way you were doing things. Verse 23 then says "Instead [of acting in your old evil way], there must be spiritual renewal of your thoughts and attitudes." Get rid of the old way you did things, and let there be renewal of the way you think about things and your attitudes towards life's situations. It's not so much what you're doing, but how you're doing it.

This is incredibly freeing to me. I don't have to worry about if something is a sin or not if I can look at it and say that my nature and my attitude are reflecting God's likeness- righteous, holy and true (verse 24) while I am doing it. Take music for example: I used to own one cd not produced by a "christian" label, it was Dixie Chicks, and I felt pretty rebellious when I listened to it. But recently I've been listening to Bouncing Souls, a band that would definitely not be labeled "christian" and because my nature and attitudes have been changed I listen to these songs and instead of them making me long for earthly pleasures or feel unsatisfied they are actually fueling the fire in me to reach out to more people and share God's love with them. It's all about our nature, and becoming that new person God has set us free to be.

Complicated

I try to make things so complicated.

"But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, And don't take yourself too seriously—take God seriously." (Micah 6:8 The Message)

Or as other translations put it: do justly, love mercy, walk humbly. Really thats it. Why do I try to conform to so many rules? Why do I live in fear of failure? "Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you." (Galatians 5:1)

I built this cloud I can break it
The world can’t change how I feel
Because I know it’s a lie
My heart is real (Bouncing Souls - Gone)

Leaving Jesusland- NOFX

I don't really know what to say...this song is completely honest and mostly true. It is a clear explanation of why I'm choosing to live the way I do. I hate it that the one thing I was created to live for has obtained such a craptastic stereotype over the years. For too long we have been living like "we want life canned and bland in the fatherland." We(the church, the bible-belt, whatever) should be the place where everyone knows they are welcome and genuinely loved, not the place they feel they have to run from. What if we actually started living like Jesus did? Partyin, hanging with the outcasts, not giving a single thought about what anyone else thought. Let's change "'Cause all religion ever made of me was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet... It never set me free." -Jason Gray

Only Hope - Switchfoot

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write
over and over again
I'm awake and in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and
over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope

Sing to me of the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have
for me over again

I give You my apathy
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

Create

Sometimes its 12:28 am and I wish I could sleep but I've had a good day of artistic inspiration and I just want to create. The problem comes with the fact that I really have no artistic ability, just enough to make me understand everything I'm missing. I have these ideas and pictures in my head but don't know how to make them come alive. Its nights like these I wish I hadn't quite cello after 5 years, I could be freaking awesome by now. I was made in the image of a creator, the need to create is just in me.

Admiring paintings, drawings, tattoos, songs, collages, photos etc. gives me energy. It inspires me to be something better, to live as the best version of myself, to offer the best of what I have to God. It drives me crazy that I can't create what I love very well at all, but sometimes I still do it just for fun, even though it comes out looking like a 5 year old tried to paint something :)

Superchick- Me against the world

There's just something about doing what I want to do and not caring about what anybody else thinks that feels really good.

"They said don't try to change the world, your just a girl...

So its me against the world today, I'm gonna do it my own way

and though nobody understand, I'm gonna make a one girl stand

It's my independence day, I can't waste time on what they say

if we believe and we have faith we're gonna change the world someday"

Dear God

Dear God,

It makes me really mad that we have screwed up this whole Christianity thing so much. I'm sorry for the huge number of us who have lived double lives and tried to compartmentalize Christianity and life in the "real world" into two separate gigs. I'm sorry that we have taken The Bible and gotten distracted by fighting over tiny details rather than letting it transform our lives. I'm sorry for all of us who act like jerks and judge the world with a "holier than thou" attitude when we are not better off than anyone else. I'm sorry that we've gotten in your way, you want to bring hurting, searching souls to life, and by our stupidity and impatience we've ruined it for you so many times. God, just because we know you it doesn't mean that we are no longer human and tend to fall short of what's good. We need you to make it better. Come, open up our eyes, reconnect us with the world we live in. Show us how to get out of our "country club churches" and know each and every person the way that you do, no matter what they've done, or what they do, kick the pride out of us and make us reflections of your unconditional love for them to see. We've failed you, restore the church. Teach us how to make it right. We are nothing without you.

Amen.

Just Chill

I read in a book that sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is take a nap. That has kind of been my motto this weekend and its been totally awesome. Sometimes you just get drained and caught up in "life" and you just need to chill so that you can have a mind, body, and spirit that is an offering of worth to God. This weekend I got a tattoo, went to some good Church, ate some good food, and read 500 pages of Harry Potter. I feel great right now. Much more at peace with God than I have in quite a few weeks, and all I did was just chill.

p.s. Go see Elmo at Dark Lotus and get a sweet tattoo! I'm addicted, I knew I would be.

Stellar Kart- Automatic

...But like I breathe

And my heart beats...

I wanna love you like it's automatic

Make you into my good habit

You're the only one that really matters

Every minute everyday it's automatically ok

When I make it all about you

All This Time

I just realized it tonight, all this time its been about relationships. God created us for relationship with himself. Because God IS love he created us to have a target for his very being to be poured out upon. God created us for relationship with others. Love does not exist as a feeling, it is something that must be acted out, if we have no relationships with others we have no way to love. We can not love God without loving others, we show our love to him through obedience and he has commanded us to love our neighbors (Matt 22:39). When I thought God was teaching me to stand on my own two feet, to be fine on my own , to protect my heart and reject those who hurt me, he was really reaching out to me through relationships that I will never forget. He was trying to show me what this life is really about. In our day, "in my generation," I feel like there are a lot of people who are very open and will hear whatever opinion you have to throw out there. But its not until you have spent the time to form a relationship with them, and they see your actions of love that they will really listen to what you are saying. All this time I thought I'd be fine, just me and God for the rest of my life, and all this time he's been trying to show me RELATIONSHIPS, healthy, God glorifying relationships. I don't know where I'd be today if it wasn't for the college girls that intentionally formed a relationship with me as a Jr. High kid, or the camp counselor I had 5 summers in a row, or my friends who took me in on the weekends, or my youth pastor who finally showed me what a relationship with Jesus is all about. Its been the relationships all along that have pulled me through and that God has spoken to me through. My 2 best years of college were the ones spent leading small groups and being part of a ministry team, how could I have ever thought that I could be the best version of myself without relationships?

Swimmers take your mark

When I swim I come up with a ton of life/swimming analogies. The one that popped in to my head today as I was studying for a test outside the pool at school was this:

Right now I'm living in that intense moment on the starting block. The moment between "swimmers take your mark" and the "BEEP" of the horn. I'm ready for something more, but God just won't say "GO!" yet.

The Discipline of Dismay

"But when the darkness of dismay comes, endure until it is over, because out of it will come the ability to follow Jesus truly, which brings inexpressibly wonderful joy." -Oswald Chambers

Life

I need something bigger to live for.

And the Journey Continues

Maybe its just because I'm a girl, or maybe its due to being human, but I struggle with my thought life. I am actually quite annoyed by the phrase "struggle with," I guess what I'm really trying to say is: several times a day Satan tempts me to think about events (past or future) that cause me to be anxious or angry and more often than not I fail to "take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ"(2 Cor 10:5). I am not OK with this.

Needtobreathe's song "Something Beautiful" says, "In a day dream I couldn't live like this, I wouldn't stop until I've found something beautiful." That is totally true for me right now. In a day dream I would forget the past, I would press on toward the future with complete faith and confidence, and I would keep pressing on until I was drowning in the love and power of God. This NEEDS to become reality.

I am saddened by the lack of fruit in my life. Over the past few months I have sufficiently cut myself off from the flow of the spirit. I look at myself and see raisins where there should be juicy grapes of joy, prunes where there should be sweet plums of faithfulness, and the oranges of peace were all killed in the ice storm months ago. I am missing out on the abundant life Jesus offers.

As I tried to teach a 3 year old to peddle his bike today I saw a picture of myself. I wanted to push him so he could enjoy the ride but he kept pushing backwards of the peddles making the back tire unable to spin. He was pushing against me and therefore missing out on some fun and a chance to learn something new. God wants to lead me along on an adventure, he wants me to learn and experience better things, but when I focus on myself and what I can (or can not) see its like I'm putting on the brakes and fighting against him. I've got to let him push me along on the right path and trust that he will teach me how to peddle successfully.

For years I have prayed for God to let me live an adventurous life. The "American Dream" bores me. That point where you start being "what you're going to be when you grow up" has arrived for me, and I have NO CLUE what I'm going to be. But I do know that tonight God threw out the invitation: "This is where the adventure begins are you in?" Five years ago God called me to be a missionary, sometimes I think he is narrowing down my "mission field" to American teens, sometimes I feel clueless.

God has all the answers. "Beautiful are the words spoken to me, beautiful is the one who is speaking. Come in close, come in close and speak, come in close, come closer to me..."(Closer by Charlie Hall)

Just thinking today...

Life isn't meant to be figured out. - I'm trying to convince myself of this, and make my actions show it.

There is a reason the Bible teaches us to forget the past and press on.

Forgiveness- has to be dealt with immediately

Every thought has to be taken captive.

Note To Self

Matthew 6:25-34

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? ²⁸"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Philippians 4:6-9

⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Jeremiah 33:3

Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.

Psalm 139:13-17

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

¹⁶ your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

Habakkuk 2:3

For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
it speaks of the end
and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
it will certainly come and will not delay.