These are a few of my LEAST favorite things

everything I found I am allergic to today

The Body

As I was hanging out with my group of friends from high school the other night I got a good understanding of how the church works together as the body of Christ. When the whole group of us is together everything is right, things are joyful, we all have our role we play and there's just a peace about it all. But if just two of us get together it can be kind of weird. Like if you just had the foot and the tongue you couldn't get much work done as "the body." Sometimes just two of us being together can be nice though, like maybe an arm and a hand working together, but its still not as good as when the whole group is together. As part of the "body of Christ" I've got to plug into and be involved in the life of the rest of the body. As much as I think I can be a foot and accomplish what I need to on my own I will never reach my full potential until I find the body that's missing one foot and has a place just for me.

Forgotten God -Francis Chan

"Is it possible to get enough or even too much God? Is there a point where a person can be satisfied with the amount of intimacy, knowledge, and power of God he or she experiences? I don't see how there can be, because doesn't every encounter with God only cause us to thirst for him more?"

"I can't say exactly what will happen when you admit that you can never fully know or experience enough of the Holy Spirit yet choose to seek him regardless. I know only that when you surrender fully to the spirit, Christ will be magnified, not you (John 16:14)."

"Perhaps the core issue is really about our holding back from giving ourselves to God, rather than our getting too much of him."

"Paul wrote to the Corinthians that his words were not "wise and persuasive" but rather a "demonstration of the spirit's power"...In most churches today I hear a lot of talk and the facade of human wisdom, but I don't see much of God's presence and power."

John 12:32

"What is extremely important is for the worker's simple relationship with Jesus Christ to be strong and growing. His usefulness depends on that, and that alone." -Oswald Chambers

When I first started this journey of discipleship almost 6 years ago I didn't really know what was supposed to happen. I wasn't looking for answers or feelings or any special thing to happen. All I knew was if I wanted to become a "better Christian" I was supposed to pray and read my Bible, so I did. "What is extremely important is for the worker's simple relationship with Jesus Christ to be strong and growing." Because my main focus was only on God's word and talking with Him things were simple, many things seemed black and white because I just wanted to do what the Bible said. Because my focus was only on God and not the results of reading his word my relationship was strong and growing. Over the years as I've learned what can happen when you pray and what you can argue about in the Bible and when you come to prayer or scripture with these alterior motives the simplicity is lost, the relationship isn't strong because there is no relationship. I've tried to turn Christ into my "jeanie in a bottle," I want answers, I want things fixed, I want I want I want... But if my usefulness depends on [my simple relationship], and that alone I've got to return to the days of just coming to Christ to spend time with him and listen to what he says. I miss Him. I can blame my college, my church, my leaders for getting me to this place but really I am the only one who has control over my relationship with Christ. I'm going back to the simplicity of seeking Christ so he will draw me close again. "And I, if I am lifted up...will draw all people to myself." John 12:32

A montage of my recent state of mind

melted brain

Shriveled up brain.

brain fried

The way I see It

After 23 years of reading, acting out, singing about, and watching in Peanuts form "The Christmas Story" it can become just another ornament that gets hung up durring this holiday season. This year this season comes upon me at a time when I am in pursuit of knowing Christ more intimately, so in hopes of avoiding missing "the true meaning of Christmas" I started praying for God to show me something new in the story of Jesus' birth this year...

In evangelism, church planting, and missions classes we've talked a lot about contextualizing; getting to know the people, what they're in to, how they communicate with eachother, what it is that really gets their attention, and then bringing Christianity to them in a way that will really "click." This weekend I figured out that God truely sets the example of that whole concept for us as he worked it out perfectly at his son's birth...

So this is the new thing God showed me this year: God was coming to the Earth in human flesh and he needed to get the word out. So He went to the common everyday blue collar workers out in the feild and put on a show. After spending their entire lives growing up with shepards and learning the ways of watching out for sheep their intellectual level probably wasn't extremely deep. Knowing this God sent down lights and angels and loud voices and put on a show to get their attention, tell them what's up and how they can find his son. That night they saw Jesus face to face and were forever changed.

He also wanted to get the attention of the well-to-do wisemen in the surrounding lands. Knowing that they trusted things that they could spend time investigating and having something to explore and work through would make it really meaningful for them all he sent them was a new star in the sky. Seeing as how they spent their lives studying the skies God knew they would discover this new star and start searching for answers. In the end their journey of collecting stories from the common people, following and new star, and speaking with a king also lead them to an encounter with Jesus.

If all God had done was put a star in the sky a bunch of shepards would have totally missed it because they were too busy beating of animals who were trying to eat their sheep. And if all he sent was a show of angels the wisemen would have missed out on a journey that drew them into a relationship with Christ. Just like Paul said he wanted to "become all things to all men" (1 Cor 9:22-23) I hope to learn how to share Jesus in an effective way that my "people group" gets it, is excited about it, and is drawn deeper into it.

Puritan Prayer

Give me a deeper trust, that I may lose myself to find myself in Thee, the ground of my rest, the spring of my being. Give me a deeper knowledge of Thyself as saviour, master, lord, and king. Give me deeper power in private prayer, more sweetness in Thy Word, more steadfast grip on its truth. Give me deeper holiness in speech, thought, action, and let me not seek moral virtue apart from Thee.

It was Worth It

All the hours I spent this summer playing kiddie games, figuring out bible lessons, coming up with crafts, getting muddy on water days, and washing dishes seemed worth it today when one of the families that came to Summer of Lunch joined the church. After getting to know the family over the summer it was clear that being part of a church was probably not on their radar at all. But it has awesome to watch God move over the past 5 months. By offering the family's three girls free lunch and games over the summer we became friends with the family and more and more doors started opening from there. It makes me really happy to know these girls are going to have a great church family to grow up in as they begin their walk with Christ. I didn't love everything about Summer of Lunch, but it was definitely all worth it, and I'd do it again if I knew more families would find their place to get connected into God's Kingdom!

Quote of the Day

"Anyone can acheive their fullest potential... we should never allow our fears or expectations of others to set the frontiers of our destiny..." -NCIS

Take My Life- Third Day

How many times have I turned away

The number is the same as the sand on the shore

But every time You've taken me back

And now I pray You do it once more.

Please take from me my life

When I don't have the strength

to give it away to You Jesus

How many times have I turned away

The number is the same as the stars in the sky

But every time You've taken me back

And now I pray You do it tonight.

Please take from me my life

When I don't have the strength

to give it away to You Jesus

Thirsty?

I went to hear Scott Larson speak tonight. He spoke about recognizing the thirsts we have and the broken cisterns we drink from that never satisfy. It was really good! I'm thirsty for something I had once a few years ago. The first year after I got baptized was crazy good. In keeping with the drink metaphor I'd have to compare that intimacy I had with Christ to a fresh Jamaican mango smoothie; bright and bold, super sweet, freezing on a hot day...perfect. It'd be nice to have that again, but I think I'm starting to understand that God doesn't want to take me back, he wants to take me on to new depths and show me places that I haven't explored yet with him. I'm thirsty, really thirsty, I have been for a long time, it just seems like no matter how many hours I spend alone with JC or how many different devotionals I do I just can't get enough...Jesus speak to me...

Understanding God's Will by Kyle Lake

Quotes I've been pondering lately:

"First, if being an apprentice of Jesus is the central defining aspect of our lives, then God's will and the process of learning God's will MUST BE just one aspect of our apprenticship, rather than the end goal of life..."

"On the other hand, if finding God's will was the end goal of life, then all of life is a performance- an equation to be hacked, a correct porportionate recipe to be mixed, a formula to be dicifered . If God's will is the end goal of life wouldn't Jesus have said "Come, follow My will," or, "Seek first My will?" But that's not what He said. I would think, then, that discerning God's will is consumed in the simple, yet all-encompassing phrase "Follow Me." And if that's the case, then the central question in life is not, "Have you discerned God's will for your life- vocation, college, spouce, location?" but, "Are you becoming a learner of Christ as you navigate life, career, family, dating/marriage, relationship?""

And one other thing from Oswald Chambers:

"We are not on display in God’s showcase— we are here to exhibit only one thing— the "captivity [of our lives] to the obedience of Christ" ( 2 Corinthians 10:5 )."

Big Momma's

You are currently reading the blog of the newest Big Momma's barista!!! I start work on Saturday during the Pets and Pumpkins Festival! Its so awesome how God is opening up doors for The Table to get involved with life on C-street. Please pray for me to have lots of opportunities (and to not miss any of them) to share about Christianity with my new co-workers! I'm so excited!!!

A Couple Weekends Ago...

A couple weekends ago I had this encounter with God. I don't really remember what the sermon was about that Saturday night, I just remember that I knew I had been in the presence of someone Holy. I went on a drive afterwards to just process and have some time to chat with God. That evening was one of the moments that it seemed my calling to youth ministry was unquestionable. But at the same time it was just as clear to me that I didn't have what it was going to take. With as much attitude as I could muster I shouted to God "What in the WORLD are you thinking?" and instantly as if God were sitting in the car right next to me "Watch it, Job!" echoed in my heart. I felt the size of a pea as the dialogue of Job 38-40 began running through my head:

"Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge. Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!" (Job 38:2-5) "Do you have an arm like God's, and can your voice thunder like his?" (Job 40:9) "What is the way to the abode of light? And where does darkness reside? Can you take them to their places? Do you know the paths to their dwellings?" (Job 38:19-20)

Who am I to question the way God chooses to use me? Who am I too tell him what his creation is good enough to be used for? Like Job I simply replied "I am unworthy—how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth. I spoke once... but I will say no more." (Job 40:4-5) I made my way back to the house and made wandered inside. Feeling the weight of my guilt I picked up the cutest 2 1/2 year old in hopes of finding some comfort, he looked at me for a second then leaned over and gave me a sloppy wet kiss on the cheek. I almost cried as once again I felt God say "that's from me, I'll always love you."

I was reminded of this episode today during chapel as our speaker talked about how his childhood experiences of Christianity created nothing but fear in him. God is not just this far off being ready to burn us in hell at any moment we make a stupid comment. He really is loving, and one who offers hope. It made me wonder about how many times I've wrongly interpreted a situation due to characteristics that I/or those I know have imposed on God. We aren't meant to live in fear, but to live life to the fullest in the safety of our Holy Savior.

answer, maybe

"Our Lord calls us to no special work— He calls us to Himself." - Oswald Chambers

Maybe thats the answer. Maybe I'm not awesome at any particular thing because all I'm called to do is have an awesome relationship.

?

Is everyone really good at something or are some of us just made to be mediocrely good at a few things?

the procrastination blog

Well, you see, I'm just writing this blog because I'm in denial that I have to go to school tomorrow. I had such a great weekend and I just don't want it to end! Friday night I got to give a gift to two of the coolest people I know, and hang out with some pretty awesome high schoolers and my lil bros. Saturday I got to play with a decently cute puppy (j/k he was adorable!) and go to really good church! (which afterward I got a little attitudish with God and got a pretty good kick in the pants in return, u really should think about the things your going to say to GOD before you say 'em!) Then today I had a really great 3 hour drive to Springfield which I used to figure out what I was going to say for reflection time at the Table today. (p.s. check out tableoncstreet.com) I was really nervous, but I remembered a verse that I read the night before and it made me want to speak boldly! 1 Peter 4:11 "If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God." I don't know why, I've spoken in front of people a bunch of times at churchy things and I still get really nervous every time! The Table was fabulous today, a bunch of new people came (we had like 30 people and we aren't even doing outreach that intensely, just think what can happen when we get really serious about it!) But way more important than numbers is the growth and depth that happens on tuesday nights at the Ongoing Conversation (or OC as we call it) when we discuss scripture and some good questions. Life is always crazy good when I see God working in so many places! I'm so thankful for all the people he as put in my life, and continues to bring in! Life is always an adventure!

The End Result

My experiment went quite well I must say (see "This week's Experiment" 9/27/09). Along the way it was quite tempting to pick my baggage back up but I kept denying myself the right. Then came the end of the week and for a brief moment I thought "oh I can think about my future again" but it wasn't even appealing anymore. I left the burden on the side of the road and felt no need to go pick it up again. I know I just need to wait and listen now, I can't say I trust God with my future and then still cling to it tight fisted, I've finally let go. (Maybe next time God wants something from me it won't take me 7 days!)

one step farther

"Gandhis, Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King Jr, Thomas Merton, these people were not perfect but: in their penetration through the obsession with service, security, and significance, they threaten our measured standards of righteousness and goodness and prudence...Universalisers are often experienced as subversives of the structures by which we maintain our individual and corporate survival, security, and significance. Many persons at this stage die at the hands of those whom they hope to change. There are few who make it here."

from my heart

Apparently one of the developmental stages of being a teenager is learning how to express your feelings with words. Teens tend to have a hard time with this so using things like music, art and clothing are used to express what could be said with words. I think this development was something I missed out on as a teenager, whenever I feel like I have a ton of things to say all bottled up inside me I turn to songs 'cause otherwise nothing would come out at all...

Teach me to do Your will Lord for you are my God Your Spirit is good lead me on level ground Lord for You are my GodYour Spirit is good it is good revive me, revive me not for me but for Your name in Your mercy deliver me from my enemies revive me
Lord I want to yearn for You I want to burn with passion over You and only You Lord I want to yearn
Unto You be honor unto You be praises Jesus forever and ever all i wanna do is exalt You all i wanna do is to lift You high all i wanna do is to please You
Praise the name of Jesus praise the name of Jesus He's my rock, He's my fortress He's my deliverer in Him will I trust
O, to grace, how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be. Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it seal it for Thy courts above
Glory to God glory to God glory to God forever!

Riches

I've been reading the book of James for the past couple weeks. I really like that book a lot. What's been sticking out to me the most is all the talk about how being poor is a good thing. "Christians who are poor should be glad because God has honored them..." (1:9) "Hasn't God chosen the poor to be rich in faith? Aren't they the ones who will inherit the kingdom..." (2:5) "Look here you rich people, weep and groan with anguish because of all the terrible troubles ahead of you. Your wealth is rotting away and your fine clothes are moth eaten rags." (5:1-2) After living and working in places like Kencot in Kingston, Jamaica or the Kenyan desert you really understand how these verses are true. As the rich American I've always understood God as the provider, so I looked at the lives of these "poor people" and could not fathom how they could trust God. They are sleeping with 6 people in a house the size of my bedroom and walking miles for drinking water on a daily basis. But they are rich in faith, a faith that riches has robbed from me. I long to go deeper and see a new side of Christ I've been missing out on.

Glass Slippers

We've all got a story like Cinderella, we've all got a glass slipper that we leave behind for someone to hold for us. The only problem is we don't live in a fairy tale. Any man, woman, bank account or job will scratch, chip, and most likely shatter that slipper we entrust to them. The slipper is our security, our identity, our hope and when these things are placed anywhere but the hands of God its pain waiting to happen. Psalm 118:8-9 reads: "Far better to take refuge in God than trust in people; Far better to take refuge in God than trust in princes." Who have you given your glass slipper to? Is it time to take it back and place it in God's hands?

Alive

Its been a while since I've been at anything to do with church that moved me to tears. Last night my passion for my faith was finally revived and it was just a simple prayer at the end of a Q & A session that brought this intense realization of the spirit back to life in me. I would love to go intern at Doug Pagitt's church in Minneapolis I pretty much do fit right into these post-modern stereotypes people are trying to shove on my generation and he gets what it takes to spur us on in our faith. Story and discussion and open exploration of what biblical Christianity should look like transfered into our day awakens my desire to go deeper with God while the traditional one line answers of the churches I've been a part of just dull the excitement.

experiment observations

Its amazing how much God has to say when you purposely stop talking. I've pretty much been blown away. He's probably been trying to get through to me for a while now but my heads been too full of my own words.

This week's experiment

I'm trying an experiment this week. I recently realized how incredibly self-centered I am, even to the point of neglecting ministry opportunities God is giving me right now. For the past few weeks I've not thought about much other than what I am called to, what is next after college, how I'm going to make money, who I'm going to live with...me, me, me. God says that if we ask he will give us wisdom and show us the way we should go, I've done that so I just need to start being patient and wait for him to answer. This week I'm going to do my best to not think about/pray about my future and instead spend time reading/meditating on scripture and praying for the starving, sick, enslaved children all over this world. There is so much going on in this world that does not center around me and I need to get my eyes off myself!

Enough with the lies

I'm really getting tired of all the commecials that are continuously feeding Americans lies. Home Goods promises for just $79.99 you can have that mirror that will finally make you feel good. Jinny Craig ensures that you will be so much happier if you just lose that last 50 pounds. Heart broken? Taco Bell will make it all better with a 1/2 pound burrito. And of course after a long day relaxing with Happy Meals and $2.99 double cheeseburger dinners from McDonald's makes everyone have a great night! Feeling crappy America? How about you go drownd your sorrows in greasy fast food and buy all those new decorations you've always been wanting! It'll make you feel better we promise! Even if the high does only last for a couple minutes we'll have a new sale next week and you can start all over! I'd love to throw in a few horrible Christian cliches right around here "Jesus is the answer!" "We all have a God sized hole in our Hearts." but they leave you just as empty as the fries from McD's that can sit on the counter for a month without decomposing. We need a real God whose presence is made known in real community life, life that is not centered around always making sure you feel happy but making sure the rest of the world is loved.

...

There is so much going on in my head I don't even know where to start writing.

practice what you preach

Even though its a few years off still, I've been dreaming a lot about my next car. I really want a truck or suv, but I also say that I want to care for the planet and "Go Green!" If my actions aren't showing the same things as what I say I believe then I probably don't really believe it. I will most likely go with a car with better gas milage. I can't say I want to care for God's gift of creation to us and then not recycle, waste resources and drive a gas guzzler.

Yesterday I was thinking about all the distractions in my life and how if I could just get rid of everything then I'd be able to focus on God a lot more. I really understood why Jesus told the rich man to sell everything he had, its a question of true desire and commitment. We live in an upgrade society, we are never going to be satisfied with what we have because then next shinier model with more buttons will soon come out and we will HAVE to have it. "If you look around you and find nothing that satisfies, its probably because you weren't made for this world."- C.S. Lewis. I wasn't made for this world, rather than continuing to try and find something that satisfies I can just give it all up.

Live simply so others can simply live...we had a Compassion International spokesman come and do two concerts on campus. It was amazing. And then my teacher went on this rant today about how more people are dying from hunger than from abortion and our churches (especially the SBC) are not doing anything about it, but they will do all sorts of things for abortion (which is cool, keep doing it, but look at whats going on outside your country too).

what am I doing

Confession:

When God is showing me what I'm supposed to do and it seems a little hard or uncertain I tend to look for other "good options" just incase he (or I) might be mistaken about the first.

I love fire :)

I saw the coolest thing sunday night. A few of my friends and I were sitting around in our living room with the lights out and a bunch of candles lit singing some awesome Jesus music while the breeze blew in through the open screen door. As we sang one of my favorite songs I closed my eyes and all of a sudden I could see this orange flickering from all of the candles just dancing around. And right in that moment God used the free flowing movement to remind me that His spirit was there with us, moving among us as we sang. I love when God pops up unexpectedly...I guess I should learn to expect it more, I mean we were getting together to sing and pray why wouldn't he show up, he already promised us he would.

How He Loves - David Crowder Band

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us...

What's up

I popped a bag of popcorn tonight...only ONE kernel was left unpopped. Now that is awesome.

I'm looking forward to this semester. About half of my classes will be really good and half will be ridiculous, but such is college.

I came back from Jamaica last summer and all my junk that wasn't stolen was covered in mold. I came back from springfield this summer and all my cabinets in the kitchen were covered in mold. DISGUSTING!!! A bunch of bleach a few rags and a dehumidifier later and everything is getting better in here. I really wish I had a roommate. I never thought I would say that. As a teenager I always pictured myself living alone.

I prayed for friends at SBU yesterday and God brought one over to my apartment to hang out today!

I love studying at the park. I always see something cool that God created. Yesterday it was a 2 foot turtle and today it was a 2 inch bee. Im not kidding the thing was HUGE.

My First Tri!

This morning I woke up(before my alarm, grrr) at 4:23 and the first thought in my head was, I don't want to do this! All week I'd been nervously excited for my first triathlon and then the morning of it was just like my body new what was coming and it was trying to convince me to "just say no." I arrived and got everything set up then decided to skip my warm up in the pool due to the rather chilly weather. (The weather was perfect for a tri by the way! Thanks God!) As I lined up with my group of 5:00-5:59 min swimmers I felt kind of awkward because I ended up being the front of the line with 36, 43, and 57 year old men right behind me that were all like 6' 5". I swam my 300 yards in 4:45 which is 15 seconds faster than I ever have before, that was freakin awesome! Gotta love that race day adrenaline! The bike portion really wasn't too bad I actually felt like I had prepared for it pretty well. But I would like to throw my bike in the garbage right now, the seat was too low, every time I stood up my knee hit the gear shifter, my chain came off and my peddle was screwed up and all crooked. And I'd only really been on 3 rides on that bike so I wasn't too familiar with how it shifted. Maybe next time if I can get all that figured out I can pick up my speed a couple mph, I did my 12 miles in 50 min and I know I could do it in 45! Then came the run, that was just a joke. The first 1/4 of a mile I was trying to catch my breath and get my leg muscles to figure out how to run after biking, then I hit the 1 mile mark and realized I could walk faster than I was running so I did the last 2 miles in run 2 min/walk 1 min intervals finishing in 32:08. Somehow that only slowed down my normal running pace by 22 seconds, which makes me feel like a totally slow and lame runner. I crossed the finish line in 95 minutes and had to stop to get my chip taken off my ankle and I kind of felt like I was going to fall over right there, but luckily my legs held up (that's why you are supposed to do a cool down after a work out and not just stop immediately!) In the end I loved it and was pretty amazed that I did it. In high school just the thought of swimming a 300 would have scared me off, and never in a million years would I have guessed that I could run 3 miles without dying! I'm really glad I got to share the day with Matt and Jo (my goal is to someday beat Matt, which should be pretty easy to catch up to him seeing as he is 14 years older than me!) . I've been spending all afternoon looking up races, if I can come up with $33 I just might do a duathlon in October. I'm addicted, I love tri's! I'm so thankful God's given me the ability to get out there and have some fun taking care of my "temple" (1 Cor 6:19).

sing a song/ ride a bike

Ok, I admit I get tired of singing at church from time to time. I've come to realize its because a lot of the songs we sings aren't worship songs! The pastor at Desperation made me laugh last night when he called it "Christian sing-a-long." The way they go about picking their worship songs is to ask "if we were standing face to face with God would we say these words?" For some reason I don't think if I was standing in front of God I'd start saying "I'll fly away oh Glory!" or "when you and I embrace surrender you and I will see who we were meant to be..." Sure, these are great songs, but when we get together to worship let's sing songs that are honest words from our hearts to our savior in adoration of his awesomeness.

Did my first long ride today on my road bike! 20.5 miles in 82 minutes, dropped my water bottle and my chain fell off, glad I got that out of my system before the tri next weekend! It was pretty great expect for I couldn't go very hard for the last 10 mins b/c I thought I might barf, I should probably eat more before I start next time. Can't wait for my next ride!

SDC Moonlight Madness

I had one of the greatest nights at Silver Dollar City last night! We got there at 6:30 and had 3.5 hours to get on all the good rides. Weather.com had been forecasting rain all day so the crowds were quite small (it never rained on us and we actually saw the sun set from a few of the rides). I went down with Kristen and Ben and we flew from ride to ride getting completely drenched on the first 2. Riding the Barn Swing and Powder Keg in the dark was awesome! It brings a new level of intensity to a roller coaster when you have no idea what's coming next because everything is pitch black! SDC was great but the ride home was insane. We stunk so bad from sweaty, wet clothes, chacos and wet tennis shoes. We were freezing to death but we had to keep all the windows open or else we would barf from the smell. We just kept laughing at ourselves and dancing to some good beats on the radio until we finally made it back to Springfield to shower. I'm so thankful for the great friends God has been giving me!

My Utmost

Becoming entirely His

Let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. James 1:4

Many of us appear to be all right in general, but there are still some areas in which we are careless and lazy; it is not a matter of sin, but the remnants of our carnal life that tend to make us careless. Carelessness is an insult to the Holy Spirit. We should have no carelessness about us either in the way we worship God, or even in the way we eat and drink.

Not only must our relationship to God be right, but the outward expression of that relationship must also be right...Beware of becoming careless over the small details of life and saying, "Oh, that will have to do for now." Whatever it may be, God will point it out with persistence until we become entirely His.

Random thoughts

Its always when I feel that God is being silent that I realize my life is chaotic and God's right where he always has been, I just haven't been listening.

I had a chance to apply for what would be pretty much the sweetest job ever. I was encouraged to apply so I started praying about it. I pretty much started freaking out. I was laying on my futon almost in tears when it all started becoming very real to me that this really is my future. I really am going to be a missionary, I really am going to be taking risky jobs and be called on to lead, God really is going to use me. Its scary, I don't feel prepared, I have 100 excuses why I'm not the right one. But for some reason I'm still divin' in. I think a job in an established church might be too tame for me... Maybe I'll be a church planter the rest of my life? Only God knows... I didn't apply for the job, God has shown me where he is at work here in Springfield and I am joining him here. He knows better than I do what the "sweetest job ever" for me will turn out to be.

Crazy Love by Fancis Chan is pretty great

I can't wait to: go to Silver Dollar City this week, go for a long bike ride with Matt, buy something to wear for my tri, to start school

My Heart

Suffocation of a wild heart brings longing for rebellion.  Like animals caged in a zoo, to be released is not enough, only in running as far and as long as possible is freedom found.  Years of pressure, prodding, pushing and pulling dim the fire within the soul.  It is inevitable that the untamable spirit will break away with characteristic immoderation the only question is will it bring the end or will the spirit find freedom to soar?

Into the Wild

“Just remember if you want something in life reach out and grab it!” – Alexander Supertramp

I watched "Into the Wild" this week.  Its about a boy who graduates college, donates all his savings to feed the poor, and then goes off exploring, experiencing the wild, and just living freely.  He changes his name and doesn't tell anybody where he is going.  All he really knows is that he's headed for Alaska.  His radical choices are in response to a life of being forced to live up to others expectations of who he should be and a breaking free from the cage he felt trapped in as a child growing up in an abusive home.  He said and did a lot of things I could really relate to.    There have been quite a few times in my life when I've felt like if I could just get away for a while and not tell anyone where I'm going or what I'm doing then I could get a fresh start on life, live freely and be the real me. One of my favorite parts of the movie is when he quotes Henry David Thoreau saying "Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness... give me truth."

"The core of man's spirit comes from new experiences"

"It should not be denied that being footloose has always exhilarated us. It is associated in our minds with escape from history and oppression and law and irksome obligations. Absolute freedom."

"God's place is all around us, it is in everything and in anything we can experience. People just need to change the way they look at things." 

The Sky

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.  

1 Cor 10:31

There is one of the most amazing sunsets ever tonight!  I'm talking deep blue clouds with purple, hot pink and golden orange sky behind them.  The crazy thing was I was facing east when I first noticed it.  This sunset was so radiant that it was reflecting off of the clouds on the opposite side of the sky.  If I hadn't seen those clouds I would have never known what I was missing, I would have never known that I should walk to the other side of the apartment and look out the window.  I want to be like those clouds, I want to be a beautiful reflection of God, one so intense that others will stop and look to find the true source that is making my life different.  

Desperation

I don't know why Desperation is so different than a lot of churches I've attended but every time I go there its like God has been waiting for me to show up so he can start workin in my heart. I never know where or when its coming but a verse or line of a song always hits me and God brings to the surface something He wants to deal with in me. Tonight God wanted to get me straightened out on a few things concerning the way I believe my relationship with Him should be and how He really wants it to be.

Over the past 9 years I've been around a lot of Christians who believe that we should constantly be coming to God with a "have mercy on me, a sinner" attitude. And, for as long as I can remember I've had coaches and other people close to me who were constantly telling me what was wrong with me and putting me down. I had a horrible self-esteem and God came over and told me that I was his chosen daughter who was unconditionally loved, perfectly made, and fully forgiven. For the past two years my relationship with Jesus has been one of building up, not tearing down (or a constant reminder that I'm a failure at being a christian everyday) and I recently started feeling guilty about that. Luckily God brought me home just at the right time for me to have a conversation with my friend who reminded me that our burden is meant to be light (Matt 11:30) and we are fully forgiven and washed whiter than snow (Psalm 51:7). I will forever come before God humbly and full of thankfulness for the forgiveness He gives me on a daily basis. I don't live up to the standard Jesus set for me to follow, but I can still come to my God confidently and joyfully accepting the love he pours out on me.

Advice

"Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise." Proverbs 19:20

I used to have issues with people who talked about the importance of seeking advice from other people. I thought all I needed was my private relationship between me and Jesus, He would tell me what I needed to know and He would give me all the clarity I'd need. But, as God is giving me the opportunity to have more strong christian relationships I am really beginning to see the benefits of conversing with others and listening to their wise counsel. This is especially true when I talk with my good friend who will quote verse after verse for me. I know that what he is sharing with me is not just a bunch of bull, but a collection of what I need to hear from the Word. God has created us all differently and I think in return we all see different part of Him. When we share with each other we get a more complete picture of our God, and a deeper understanding of his will for us. I love it when God teaches me new things!

"For wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire can compare with her." Proverbs 8:11

Real life and the Movies

  I saw an old acquaintance tonight mopping the floor at Braum's.  It was hours ago, but I still can't get the look in his eyes out of my head.  You could see that he was exhausted and just longing for something more.  He is well known for being the voice of all religious mockery on the MSU campus.  He successfully started a "church" and gained hundreds of followers atheist, christian, catholic and more who all "worshiped" the flying spaghetti monster, and said "Ramen!" after anyone said something they agreed with (get it, the play on pasta and amen).  He's told me that he is honestly on a search for truth.  He has read the entire Bible multiple times and can't believe that a loving God would allow a father to sacrifice his daughter (Judges 11) and several other things throw him off too.  My heart breaks in knowing that the truth is right under his nose and he doesn't/can't get it.  God can get his attention, God can fill his thirst for knowledge, life, and truth...what's it going to take to make it happen?

A perfect example of how we see only what we are looking for and miss so much is the scene in The Bourne Ultimatum that takes place in the train station in London.  A group of guys miss several opportunities to grab Jason Bourne because they are focused on catching a reporter who possibly has links to him.  To quote Rafiki we've got to learn to "look beyond what you see," or as Annie Dillard would say we have to learn to see the "artificial obvious."  God is moving all around us, God is speaking specific truths to us daily in the Bible, but our point of views and our focuses make us miss so much. God, open our eyes...

10 Things I've Loved about This Week

1.  4 great workouts at the Y!

2. 2 delicious iced pomegranate teas from Big Mamma's

3.  Wednesday night's speaker - A guest speaker shared the story of her survival of an infection causing her to lose both hands and feet, and how her relationships and connections helped her make it through.

4.  Dinner at the park with my roommate- Buckingham's Mmmmm!

5.  Reading half of Activate - a book about a new approach to forming a church of small groups, rather than a church with small groups

6.  Talking with a real live female Ironman triathlete!

7.  Ice cream cones with Kristen as we walked through Nathaniel Greene

8.  Reading in the perfect breeze on the south lawn at FBC

9.  Some great honest prayin' with Jesus

10.  Sleeping on a futon mattress with the windows open and fan on 

4th of July!

I had one of the greatest 4th of July's ever this year! It was one of those "absence makes the heart grow fonder" moments.  I haven't had a traditional -everyone out a Grandma and Grandpa's farm-  4th of July in something like 4 years and this year we got to do it again! We shot fireworks all day long, even when it was raining on us, got covered in dirt and firework ashes and ate dinner out on the front porch.  My cousin, Jed, was back from the war and it was really great to see him, seeing as how I haven't gotten to see him for a few years at least! He's all grown up and mature now, its so weird!  And, we got a call from Jessie who is currently in South Africa!  When it finally got dark we could look down over the entire horizon and see fireworks going off in every direction! It was such a wonderful day.  The farm will always be one of my most favorite places in the world! 

Reading

I still laugh at myself when I think about the total 180 flip I've taken in my reading habits since high school.  I used to never read and now I'm reading a book a week (which isn't that much, but its major progress for me!  You don't pick up fast reading skills if you never read until you were 18!)  

I just finished my 4th book of the summer, Reimagining Spiritual Formation.  It was really good! It made me think a lot about how my faith should encompass every tiny bit of my life.  And I really liked how it explained service.  A lot of times the church takes a condescending approach, coming at a neighborhood like "you have needs, you do not know Jesus, and we are perfect so we will create a program to fix the lives of those beneath us."  But, instead of evaluating and creating we can look at our lives, the gifts and resources God has given us, and just start putting those into action.  Its a much more honest, open and relational approach.  

A quote from my next book in progress "Do not read to satisfy curiosity or to pass the time, but study such things as move your heart to devotion." - Thomas a Kempis

Dead Poets Society

 "Boys, you must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all. Thoreau said, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." Don't be resigned to that. Break out!" 

"Now we all have a great need for acceptance, but you must trust that your beliefs are unique, your own, even though others may think them odd or unpopular, even though the herd may go, "that's baaaaad." Robert Frost said, "Two roads diverged in the wood and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." 

"I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life... to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."

"This is a battle, a war, and the casualties could be your hearts and souls." 

"Do not let anyone tell you what you want. Decide for yourself and pursue your passions." 

"I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way."